Monday Night Raw is live from Chicago, the greatest sports city in the world! Goldberg is the Universal Champion! The road to WrestleMania is entering the final lap, and the fallout from a dreadful FastLane pay per view is upon us. However, the show can’t be all bad. Is tonight the night we see the return of the Y2K?
Monday Night Raw Review: Return of Y2J
Chris Jericho
It’s the return of the king, Chris Jericho! What did you think I meant? A demon king? No, it’s the king of the world, Y2J, baybay! Back in the same stadium where he made his WWF debut, Jericho came to the ring to explain the… revenge of Jericho, get even, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Jericho came to the ring, rehashed the Festival of Friendship, and picked right up where he left off, saying that Owens stabbed him in the “back of Jericho”. Man, I missed Jericho so much. Anyway, Jericho called Owens to the ring.
Owens, who looked naked without the Universal Championship answered. Jericho demanded answers, asking Owens why he betrayed his best friend. Owens explained that Jericho was never his best friend. He said that Sami Zayn was once his best friend, but he betrayed him, and he’d do it over, and over, and over again.
Owens went on to explain the Jericho was just a tool, someone he used to help him retain his title. He explained that he only used Jericho because he was so gullible. Owens said that Jericho outlived his purpose when he accepted Goldberg’s challenge.
Crazy. We’re ten minutes into Raw and it’s already 100 times better than CrapLane was. CrapLane? FastLame? Let me know in the comments below.
Mania Confirmed
Read More: Monday Night Raw Review: Friendship Fallout
Jericho and Owens sold their WrestleMania match for the United States Championship for the next few minutes, and it was brilliant. Y2J worked the crowd, and it was so obvious that they wanted to root for him this whole time, and Owens is a spectacular heel.
Jericho said “why wait until Mania?” and instead of running away, Owens ran into the ring and started fighting with Owens! They brawled for a moment before Samoa Joe blindsided Jericho. Both men were beating Jericho up when Sami Zayn came to the rescue! They fought Joe and Owens away, standing tall. Wow. Wow! What a great start!
Segment/Match Quality- 10/10 Woo’s
Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens
I’ve never seen this match before. Have you? It feels fresh and brand new.
In all seriousness, I have a fun fact for you. Goldberg lost his last WWE World Championship on December 14th, 2003. The next day? El Generico and Kevin Steen had their first match ever. Some things change dramatically, some things don’t change at all.
Look, I don’t have to tell you that this match was great, you already know. Owens had a couple of chances to go for the pin, but instead, he decided to beat up on his former best friend. I don’t like how Sami is being treated by WWE, but look at it this way, less than 24 hours after jobbing to Goldberg, he’s already got his credibility back.
In any event, Owens won pretty easily, and it kinda sucks. It’s great for the reasons I just said, but it’s bad because Sami Zayn continues to be misused. Yes, he’s great, and he makes everyone he wrestles look amazing, but he doesn’t deserve to be a jobber.
Segment/Match Quality- 9/10 Woo’s
Rich Swann vs. Neville
“It’s not a good package, it’s not a bad package, it’s the package, it’s my package.”
God bless Austin Aries.
Neville vs. Swann for the title? Okay, I’m cool with this cruiserweight match on #RAW but it’ll be cooler if Aries gets involved
— Conner Fleegle (@McFleegle) March 7, 2017
Brilliant trolling aside, Neville and Rich Swann faced off for the CruiserWeight Championship! Neville took control early, including a nasty spot where he drove Swann’s head into the screen-apron outside the ring.
Swann did a “Swannton” off the top rope out of the ring onto Neville and it was a thing of beauty. Both men managed to sneak back into the ring. The two exchanged moves until Neville drove Swann with a nasty superplex, but Swann managed to roll out of the ring before Neville could cover.
There was a ridiculous exchange where Neville suplexed Swann, but he landed on his feet, before delivering a suplex of his own. Swann went for a Phoenix Splash, but he missed, and Neville locked in the Rings of Saturn for the win. Solid bout, gentlemen.
Post-Match Interview
After the match, Aries got into the ring to interview Neville. Neville hesitated, pausing to let the Chicago crowd chant Austin Aries’ name. Neville explained that he has laid waste to all of his contenders and that there was nobody on 205 Live! that holds a candle to him.
Austin asked him to repeat himself, asking if he was sure that nobody was on his level, as the Chicago crowd chanted his name. Neville got in his face, demanding him to get out of his ring, and telling him to go back to his desk.
Aries asked if he could ask one more question, before elaborating that it was more of a statement, before smashing his microphone against Neville’s head! We’re gonna get Neville vs. Aries! This is awesome!
Segment/Match Quality- 10/10 Woo’s
The Coronation of Oldberg
The oldest Universal Champion to date came to the ring with the ugly red belt to a mixed reaction. It was a mix of cheers and boos, and it was clearly getting to Goldberg, especially when they buried him with CM Punk chants. This was all it took, because it summoned the brilliant Paul Heyman.
Heyman said he wouldn’t dare go to the ring and shake Goldberg’s hand. He said he wasn’t man enough, but that he knew someone who was. In fact, he wasn’t there alone. As he summoned Brock Lesnar who, hey, they actually love in Chicago. Must be a Paul Heyman guy thing.
The two monsters stood face to face as Heyman explained that Goldberg had earned Lesnar’s respect, and that Lesnar would like to shake his hand. Before this could happen, however, Heyman let Goldberg knew that by the end of WrestleMania, there would be a new Universal Champion, and his name would be Brocccccccccccck Lesnar.
Heyman distracted Goldberg long enough for Lesnar to hit an F-5, and that’s the first offense he’s gotten in on Goldberg during this feud. Thank God.
Hey, what’s more likely, me finding a Nintendo Switch in a story or that match being good? Let me know in the comment section below.
Segment/Match Quality- 7/10 Woo’s
The Certified G’s vs. The Club
Man, I’m souring on the G’s. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t. I know that it’s not their fault, and that I’m fulfilling an IWC stereotype, but… They just kinda suck. They’re wildly entertaining, and Enzo Amore is killer on the mic, but he’s just a disaster in the ring. Not that Luke Gallows is Okada or anything, but at least Karl Anderson can wrestle.
In any event, we saw this match for the 900th time. But! As my partner in crime, Conner Fleegle predicted, Shesaro came down to the ring.
Tag title rematch next. Expect Enzo and Cass to get attached by Sheamus and Cesaro. Triple threat at Mania? I think so. #RAW
— Conner Fleegle (@McFleegle) March 7, 2017
Enzo ran into Cesaro, spilling his coffee, and that was it. It infuriated Cesaro to the point where he ran into the ring and got the match thrown out. All three teams brawled and Shesaro were left standing. Not a great match, kinda predictable, but it sets up Mania, so it’s okay.
Segment/Match Quality- 7/10 Woo’s
Akira Tozawa vs. Ariya Daivari
More cruiserweight action on Raw as Akira Tozawa took on Ariya Daivari! Tozawa’s battle-chant is hilariously over. He had the entire crowd yelling “YAH” with him. The match was relatively quick, with Tozawa hitting his suplex for the win.
He called out the Brian Kendrick and demanded a face-to-face fight right now! Kendrick came out, and said that he’d answer… tomorrow night on 205 Live!
Segment/Match Quality- 6/10 Woo’s’
The New Day vs. The Shining Stars
The New Day came out with their ice cream cart, and cut an ice cream promo. And is this really what they’re doing? Is this really what the WWE are doing with the New Day? In any event, the team had a match against the Shining Stars.
I know you won’t believe this, but I’ll try to convince you anyway. The New Day won this match easily.
I know, I couldn’t believe it either.
Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s
Bayley
Mick Foley was in the ring when we came back from commercial, and he called Bayley to the ring. Bayley apologized for last night, saying she felt bad because she asked Charlotte to leave Dana Brooke in the back, and Sasha Banks interfered anyway.
But then it didn’t really amount to anything because Foley wanted to pick a mania opponent for Bayley. Annnnd out came Sasha Banks. Banks started buttering Bayley up, talking about how the two of them should have the match they’ve always wanted.
Foley asked Chicago what they thought of the match, and they all seemed to be on board. Annnnnnnd then out came Charlotte and Ms. Piggy, err Dana Brooke. Dammit, I always do that.
Charlotte came out and started talking about how Sasha Banks manipulated Bayley, cheating to make sure the belt left Charlotte’s waist. This was great because A. it showed that WWE remembered what they said about Sasha not getting another shot at Charlotte before RoadBlock, and B. Charlotte was being booed… despite being absolutely right.
Foley was trying to silence Charlotte when the worst thing about Monday Night Raw, Stephanie McMahon came out. As always, Chicago drowned her in CM Punk, and she LOST HER MIND.
She called them predictable, and said they were losers, just like CM Punk. Holy cow. Unlike last time, all this did was rile them up, and they continued the chant for a few minutes.
Stephanie made the match, “Charlotte vs. Bayley” at WrestleMania, and Foley disagreed. Foley said that Sasha Banks should have a title shot instead. But Stephanie made things interesting, saying that Bayley and Sasha would face off, and if Sasha won, the Mania match would be a triple threat, and that that match was next!
Segment/Match Quality- 6/10 Woo’s
Sasha Banks vs. Bayley
Wanna know what’s awkward? Byron Saxton on commentary. Know what is even more awkward? Dana Brooke standing behind Charlotte, who was on commentary. Go to the back, Dana. The camera isn’t on you and you’re not talking. Why are you even here?!
This match was solid, but the crowd wasn’t feeling it. It seemed like there was just a bunch of noise happening, and whether the crowd wasn’t into it or they were being muted, I’m not sure.
In any event, the match was good, but it lacked that big match feel. It was a little awkward, and it felt like they were just going through the motions. The two have had better matches, and this one was nothing to write home to mom about.
Towards the end of the match, Charlotte and Dana Brooke made their way down to the ring and began to taunt the duo from ringside. Charlotte tried to screw up the match, but Banks was able to make Bayley tap out to the Bank Statement.
Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s
Chris Jericho vs. Samoa Joe
Can we just talk about how Samoa Joe is wrestling Chris Jericho? Two wrestling icons in the same ring at the same time. Just unreal. Some morons started a CM Punk chant, and gentlemen, if you’re reading this, you’re the James Ellsworth of real life.
Anyway, as you might have guessed, Joe dominated early and often. It was a decent match, but the two men don’t have a ton of chemistry yet. Jericho has definitely lost some speed, and it’s not like Joe is a track star anyway. Eventually, Joe locked in the Coquina Clutch on Jericho out of the ring, before sneaking in with two seconds left for the countout win.
Joe tossed Jericho into the ring, preparing to beat him down, but instead he ate a codebreaker. So… no Balor tonight, folks.
Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s
Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman
So… Taker is coming out… right?
— Ryan (@RyanSmithLWOS) March 7, 2017
Braun Strowman was in the ring, and he called Roman Reigns out. He said “Chicago doesn’t like you, and neither do I”. Is Braun Strowman a babyface? I think Braun Strowman might be a babyface.
Roman Reigns‘ music hit, but…
SO DID TAKER’S.
The Undertaker came out, and made his way to the ring. He stared Braun Strowman down, and I think Strowman realized at this point that it wasn’t Roman Reigns. Strowman backed out of the ring, and walked into the crowd… Why? God, they’re really neutering Strowman, aren’t they?
Taker stared Strowman down when Reigns’ music hit… again. Reigns somehow took longer than Taker coming to the ring, before stepping between the ropes ands taring the deadman down.
Reigns told Taker that it was his yard now and that Strowman had called him to the ring. Taker looked over Reigns’ shoulder at the Mania sign to the chants of “Roman Sucks”. Roman looked too, and he ate a chokeslam.
He hit the chokeslam and walked away, and this was stupid. Why make Strowman look like a coward, just to set up a feud that we all knew was happening. Bravo WWE, you managed to screw up a segment with the most over wrestler of all time.
Segment/Match Quality- 4/10 Woo’s
Best Segment/Match of the Night- JeriKO Reunion Special
These two are so great on the microphone, and this story has been building for so long, it was obvious that this was going to be the segment of the night from the second Y2J’s music hit.
Worst Segment/Match of the Night- New. Day Sucks. New. Day Sucks
Okay, New Day doesn’t suck. But their booking does. What the hell? Is some merch really more important than three of your best stars? No wonder FastLane sucked.
Show Quality- 8/10 Woo’s
Solid show. It was so, so, so much better than FastLane, and the WrestleMania picture is starting to clear up. It was good to see Lesnar get some offense in against Goldberg, and the women’s triple threat should be really good! Not a bad show.
