Santa’s Slay starts with a busty brunette delivering a turkey to a table. She then squabbles with her family which includes Elf star, James Caan. Caan hopes the bickering could stop. You probably would too. Luckily, Santa Goldberg comes down the chimney and slaughters everyone. The brunette (Fran Drescher) first has her hair torched by a fire-breathing Goldberg before he drowns her in eggnog. Santa Goldberg slays everyone else. You’ll know within these opening three minutes if Santa’s Slay featuring Bill Goldberg is the movie for you.
But here’s our take on the rest of the film.
Santa’s Slay: Is It Good?
The Plot
Ok. So privileged family slaughter aside, what’s the film about?
Claire from Lost works at a deli where she serves sandwiches and makes doe eyes at her coworker. All signs point to some festive frolicking. Then Claire from Lost’s coworker is told the truth about Christmas by his crazy grandfather. Santa is the son of the devil. Traditionally, he used to go on a killing spree every Christmas but lost a bet to an angel, forcing him to spend 1,000 years delivering presents instead of killing. Santa has done his time and can now return to town to slay the residents.
Mid-story, Claire from Lost arrives and gives grandad a dead wolverine and her coworker a gun. Santa Goldberg spends the rest of the movie slaying people. Claire from Lost and her coworker attempt to foil Santa Goldberg whilst making various jokes about the male anatomy.
Any Wrestling?
The film was released in 2005, a year after Goldberg left WWE and took a 10-year hiatus from wrestling.
Proving he was missing wrestling, Goldberg superkicks someone to death in the film. Goldberg also spears the deli owner, gorilla press slams a couple of people to death, and hits several short-arm clotheslines. Goldberg also kicks Vince Russo in the nuts in a strip club (honestly, that’s 100% in the movie).
He also shoves a candy cane through someone’s eye socket. Don’t remember that from SmackDown? Just wait until this year’s Miracle of 34th Street Fight.
Who Wins, Is It Good?
We wouldn’t want to spoil the ending. But let’s just say no spear or jackhammer could counter Claire from Lost and her coworkers’ desire to survive so they can finally snog.
The movie is just over an hour long so you can watch it two-and-a-half times during Monday Night Raw. It is silly, funny and very enjoyable. Give it a watch.
Photo Credit – Media 8 Entertainment
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