Monday Night Raw Review: Emmalina Debuts

After months of waiting, it’s finally here. Charlotte vs. Bayley for the title? Sure. Chris Jericho’s festival of friendship? I guess. But the really important part? Emmalina is finally debuting. Live from the potential future home of the Raiders, Las Vegas, Nevada, it’s the Monday Night Raw Review: Emmalina Debuts.

Read More: Monday Night Raw Review: Goldberg Returns

Monday Night Raw Review: Emmalina Debuts

Stehanie McMahon, Roman Reigns, The Club,

Stephanie McMahon opened the show, and my optimism went right out the window. She explained that Mick Foley would have the week off, and then Roman Reigns came out. Good god, are you guys trying to kill me?

Reigns demanded a match with Braun Strowman tonight, and Stephanie did the weird flip/flop thing where she panders to the crowd even though she’s a heel. She asked the crowd if they wanted to see the match tonight, they did the YES chant, and McMahon said they didn’t care about him, so it wouldn’t happen.

This is so confusing. Have you played WWE2k17? Have you done Career Mode and had to suffer through the promo engine? Because that’s what this feels like. The duo exchanged insults that didn’t make any damn sense, and… then Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson came out?

Gallows and Anderson challenged Reigns to a handicap match, and ugh… What the hell.

Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s

WWE Monday Night Raw’s Tag Team Champions vs. Roman Reigns

When we came back from commercial, Gallows and Anderson were beating up Roman Reigns, #BeatUpRomanReigns. But, the sun sets, people die, and Roman Reigns turned the tables.

Reigns busted out all of six of his super OOAAA moves before hitting Karl Anderson with a Superman punch. Gallows came into the ring, and they beat Reigns down until the match was thrown out. They went to hit the magic killer on him, but Reigns fought back and beat up both men by himself.

That’s right, the tag team champions, the best team on the roster according to their belts, not only lost to Roman, but got beat up by him. What. was. the. point. of. this?

Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s

Kofi Kingston w/ The New Day vs. Bo Dallas

The New Day came down to the ring, mocking Bo Dallas, who was already in the ring. They said he was all by himself, so he was a social outcast. Then they began pushing their ice cream bars, and oh my god, that’s their gimmick now. They just push ridiculous merch. Xavier Woods held a folder in his hands that he claimed were the blueprints to the ice cream.

The match didn’t really happen before Bo Dallas left the ring. Bo pretended to dance and play along with the New Day, before grabbing the blueprints to the ice cream, ripping it apart. It made me smile, and who would’ve thought Bo Dallas would be the one to do it. I guess it’s a good week for his family.

Kofi did easily get the win, but at least the segment was entertaining. Thank you New Day, for reminding me why I love you guys, and Bo? You’re one underrated chap, just like your brother.

Segment/Match Quality- 7/10 Woo’s

Noam Dar w/Alicia Fox vs. Jack Gallagher

WCPW’s Noam Dar took on the number one contender for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship, Jack Gallagher, half an hour into the show.

This match is everything that’s wrong with WWE’s cruiserweight division. They had a slow, relatively boring match. There were a couple of flips, but nothing you won’t see in a Sami Zayn match. Gallagher won clean.

It wasn’t necessarily a bad match, it just wasn’t a good match either. The number one contender won clean, duh. After the match, Neville came out and stared Gallagher down from the stage.

Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s

Emmalina Debuts

That’s right folks! It’s not a joke. Emmalina finally arrived! She came out, looking beautiful, and then she announced that we would get to witness the transformation from Emmalina… into Emma? What? Wait, wait, wait, what?

That was either the most terrible… or brilliant thing I’ve ever seen. What? Wait, wait, wait, what?

Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s

Mark Henry vs. Braun Strowman

Let’s just take a moment to remember Mark Henry before he gets killed by Braun Strowman. Remember Sexual Chocolate? Remember Hand? Remember the Nation of Domination? Remember that one time that X-Pac was really, really racist during that DX skit? What about the retirement speech? Good times. Enjoy joining the WWE Hall of Fame, Mr. Hall of Pain.

To be fair, Strowman didn’t murder Henry right away. They let him to the big guy sell, struggling to go down right away. In fact, Henry even got some offense in, which is completely ridiculous.

Mark Henry is 45 years old and won’t have another serious program in WWE. Why in the world is he even giving Strowman a problem, when Strowman absolutely destroys everyone else?

However, Strowman did eventually hit the powerslam for the win, and as he was celebrating, Roman Reigns’ music hit. Because devouring the tag team champs wasn’t enough for Roman, he needed some Braun too.

Strowman tossed him from the ring, but Reigns was able to get some offense in and hit a Superman punch. It wasn’t enough to bring Strowman down though, because he’s not Mark Henry. A second Superman punch dropped him to a knee, and Reigns went for the spear. However, Strowman reversed it into a powerslam, and hopefully both of these guys are done for tonight.

Segment/Match Quality- 4/10 Woo’s

Sami Zayn vs. Handsome Rusev

The most criminally underrated wrestler in the universe had a match on Raw, which sadly, is more than I can say about WrestleMania so far. Am I talking about Sami Zayn or Handsome Rusev? That’s really up to you. Both of these guys are fantastic.

It was a fantastic bout, as both of these men are truly talented. There was a sick spot where Sami Zayn went for a springboard and instead ate a superkick from Handsome Rusev, sending him toppling out of the ring.

Both men fought, in and out of the ring, and it was clear that they had pretty good chemistry. The timing still needs a little work, but the two put on a great show. Eventually, Handsome Rusev crawled into the ring, but was surprised from a Helluva Kick outta nowhere! Sami Zayn got the win, and yet there are still no plans for him for WrestleMania. C’mon WWE. Unless…

After the match, discount Renee Young was interviewing Zayn, and he called out Joe for some comments he made in an interview. Joe’s music hit and he blindsided Zayn… which I totally called.

Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn? BOOK IT WWE.

Segment/Match Quality- 9/10 Woo’s

Akira Tozawa vs. Ariya Daivari

The best part of last week’s Monday Night Raw was on again tonight, this time facing off against Ariya Daivari. Earlier, I said the cruiserweight match was everything that was wrong with the division. This one was the opposite.

It was fast-paced, both guys took big bumps, and there was optimal flippage. Tazawa brought that awesome edge to the the match, and Brian Kendrick was great on commentary. He hit his patented suplex bridge for the win, and it was exactly what a cruiserweight match on Raw should be.

Segment/Match Quality- 8/10 Woo’s

The Festival of Friendship

Jericho popped up on the titantron and all the pyro went off as the Festival of Friendship kicked off. Scantily clad women came out, and so did Jericho with a sparkly hat and jacket, doing a cheesy grin and dance.

Kevin Owens came out, and he looked genuinely confused and uncomfortable. In the ring, there were several cloths hiding things, and a giant box. First Jericho revealed a trophy thing, that he said epitomised their friendship.

Next he revealed a painting that looked like “The Creation of Adam” except it was Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. Owens looked genuinely disturbed by all of this.

Next there was a magician, literally named friendship. Owens was unimpressed by Friendship’s magic, so Jericho put him on the list!

Then he called Goldberg to the ring! Jericho wanted to make sure Goldberg didn’t make it to FastLane, so he called him out!

A. Pick up the phone, because I CALLED IT. B. It was Gilberg. Owens destroyed Gilberg quickly before grabbing a microphone. Jericho exclaimed “You did it!” as if Jericho destroyed Goldberg, and Owens was flustered.

Jericho thanked Owens for the last year, and said that all of this was for him. He guaranteed Owens that he would retain at FastLane because Jericho had his back. Owens thanked him, saying it was great, but that he got him a present as well.

Owens handed Jericho a box. In the box, was a brand new list of Jericho. Except, it wasn’t the list of Jericho, it was the list of KO, and Jericho’s name was on it. Owens attacked Jericho, throwing him all over the ring, and eventually powerbombing him onto the apron.

Owens dragged Jericho back into the ring, and threw him against the box, shattering the Festival of Friendship sign, like Jericho once did to HBK, before walking away from the ring to a chorus of boos. Wow. Top that, ladies.

Segment/Match Quality- 10/10 Woo’s

Enzo Amore vs. Cesaro

Did I say ladies? I meant Certified G’s. IN HIS OPENING RUN, ENZO SAID “SHEASARO”, WE DID IT! WE DID IT!

Their opening rant was good, with them referencing Salt Bae, and Sheasaro are, in fact, S-A-W-F-T, sawwwwwwwft. Cesaro couldn’t lift Enzo at one point. Cesaro, the WWE’s strongest man, couldn’t lift Enzo, the smallest non-cruiserweight…. Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, Cesaro won pretty easily and then he and Sheamus had a small scuffle.

Segment/Match Quality- 6/10 Woo’s

Charlotte vs. Bayley

The WWE Women’s Championship closed the show, and how great is it that we don’t need to point out that it’s a big deal to have two women closing Raw anymore?

The two women had a good match, but there was one moment that made me cringe. Charlotte had Bayley in a headlock, and she was ragdolling her, dragging her back and forth… like they didn’t watch Samoa Joe tear Rollins’ knee that way two weeks ago.

There were some cool spots too though. Charlotte had Bayley in another headlock and Bayley was able to run up the turnbuckle to reverse the submission, and Charlotte did a moonsault off the barricade onto Bayley’s neck.

Late in the match, Ms. Piggy, who I had personally forgotten about, came out to interfere, but Bayley was able to knock her off the apron. It worked at first, with Bayley locking Charlotte in the figure four. Dana Brooke raked the eyes, and Charlotte had Bayley in the figure eight, when Sasha Banks came out and saved her. A distracted Charlotte ate a Belly to Bayley and Bayley became Women’s Champion!

Segment/Match Quality- 9/10 Woo’s

Best Segment/Match of the Night- Owens Betrays Jericho

Sorry ladies, but we’ve seen this so many times, it loses novelty. WWE dropped the ball by having Bayley win on TV as opposed to Mania. Sure, she’ll drop the belt back to Charlotte at FastLane, and then win it back again at Mania, but it won’t be the same.

I thought Goldberg was going to destroy the Festival of Friendship. Having Jericho go all out to make the night special for Owens, only for Owens to destroy him? Phew. That’s something we’ll be talking about for years.

Worst Segment/Match of the Night- Reigns vs. The Club

Why did we need this? Why have Reigns come out, have a short, meaningless match that ended in DQ, and have him overcome the tag team champions? Was someone backstage like “Hey, SmackDown has no idea how to book a tag team, let’s see if we can do it worse” and then they had Gallows and Anderson fed to Reigns. Seems pointless to me.

Show Quality- 6/10 Woo’s

This show got off to a really, really ugly start. But eventually it picked up. I guess it’s when Bo Dallas ripped up the ice cream blueprints. It was awkward, but the show picked up. Not as great as it has been, but certainly not as terrible either.