Just like Paula Deen at a butter tasting convention, it’s great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making news during the past seven (or so) days in the world of professional sports:
FOS August 8th by Cmd Beaker on Mixcloud
GOLF ADDICTIONS
Golfer Dustin Johnson is taking a leave of absence after testing positive for cocaine. The golf community is pretty shocked – not because of his drug habit, but because he didn’t have the courtesy to speed up his play a little bit out there
It was also revealed that Johnson has reportedly slept with at least two married women. Everyone’s very disappointed in him, especially Tiger Woods, who was like, “I really wish athletes like Dustin would’ve learned from my mistakes – and used two different cell phones for texting.”
NFL FORTUNES
The Cincinnati Bengals have signed quarterback Andy Dalton to an extension worth $115 million. Sources are saying it’s the biggest ever contract given to a guy who backs up AJ McCarron.
In all seriousness, the Bengals are obviously serious about being successful in the postseason. They’re willing to spend over $100 million for every career playoff touchdown thrown by a quarterback.
Giants RB David Wilson is being advised to retire at the age of 23. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you become famous for doing nothing at such a young age, don’t you have to change your last name to “Kardashian”?
Fans started a petition for “Weird Al” Yankovic to perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. A spokesperson for the NFL told ESPN that the league is against the idea and that, “if the league really wanted to hire a singer who wore ridiculous outfits and sang crude songs that make no sense, they’d book Lady Gaga”.
NHL POLITICS
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman supposedly got a $500,000 raise during the last lockout in 2012. He basically made money while impeding progress on an important issue – I think he’d make a great US Congressman.
According to a survey that went viral this week, the Boston Bruins are the most hated hockey team in the world. Bruins players vehemently denied this was the case, and then promptly shouted death threats at a fan who went in for a handshake.
The San Jose Sharks and the Los Angeles Kings are rumored to have scheduled an outdoor game next year at the 49ers newly-constructed stadium. It’ll be the only time all year that fans in the Bay Area can enjoy a game there without being distracted by Jim Harbaugh’s pants.
NBA FORGIVENESS
Recent photos indicate that LeBron James has lost a ton of weight this summer. It wasn’t by choice – turns out that his personal chef is a devoted Miami Heat fan.
In a related story, a poll released Monday said that 62 percent of Clevelanders have forgiven LeBron for leaving the Cavaliers four years ago. The other 38 percent just came out of a coma and didn’t know he resigned with the Cavaliers.
MLB SENTENCING
A man has been sentenced to twenty years in prison for breaking into Hank Aaron’s house. It sounds severe, but it pales in comparison to the sentence Major League Baseball gave Barry Bonds for breaking Aaron’s record.
WRESTLING
Hulk Hogan says that one more match for him in the WWE is a matter of when, not if. I can’t wait – I’m sure it will be just as memorable as his acting career.
SOCCER PARTIES
Brazilian soccer star Neymar was spotted partying with Paris Hilton in Ibiza. Hilton actually has a lot in common with professional soccer players: just the slightest of touches, and they go down very easily.
AND FINALLY …
President Obama celebrated his 53th birthday this week. He celebrated by playing some pick-up basketball on his private White House court, although things got awkward when Tea Party members showed up and said, “Any chance you can be more like Paul George in that USA Intersquad game?”
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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