You know how I know it’s just like every other week? Because it’s great to be back! Just saying. Anyways, in case you missed them, here were the stories that made headlines this week in the world of pro sports:
PGA Scandals
Phil Mickelson is under investigation by the FBI for insider trading of Clorox stock. I can’t believe this – I mean, what are the odds that he gets caught illegally dealing the only substance whiter than he is?
Despite this recent scandal, Mickelson is still one of the favorites to win the US Open. He’s chasing Tiger Woods’ record of events-won-during-a-scandal-no-one-cares-about.
It’s been a rough week for golfers whose names sound similar. Lance Michelson inadvertently ruined his chances of playing in the upcoming major tournament after he incorrectly signed his scorecard. The last time someone signed important documents like that without thinking first, they were titled “Larry King’s 8th Prenup”.
SOCCER Comebacks
Soccer star David Beckham is supposedly thinking about making a comeback with Miami’s pending MLS franchise. That’s right, he’s now just another older guy trying to recapture the glory days of his youth – which means he’ll fit in perfectly as a resident of Florida.
We’re less than a week away from the kickoff to this year’s World Cup and several new stadiums still aren’t finished. They’re being described as decrepit, dysfunctional and way too costly for taxpayers – or as it’s known in the United States, Congress.
In a new poll, 61 percent of Brazilians think that hosting the World Cup is a bad idea. Not only that, 100 percent of players whose team is in the same group as Brazil think playing in the World Cup is a bad idea.
NBA Fines
Knicks President Phil Jackson has been fined $25,000 for tampering with a coaching candidate. That means someone’s getting paid because he put his nose where it shouldn’t have been – or, as Mark Sanchez calls it, my day job.
Carmelo Anthony recently celebrated his 30th birthday with a $35,000 bottle of champagne. Other partygoers noted that the champagne had one glaring fault: it didn’t live up to its early hype like LeBron’s champagne.
NHL Finals
This year’s Stanley Cup Final will pit the two biggest American cities against each other. In New York, fans are hoping their team can win the city’s first NHL title in twenty years; in Los Angeles, fans are hoping they finally learn what the hell hockey is.
So far, the Kings are heavy favorites to win the series. The last time experts favored Los Angeles this heavily, they were asked “Where should you go to get some lousy cosmetic surgery done?”
The San Jose Sharks are expected to host an outdoor game next year in the Bay Area. They’re trying to schedule the game during Gay Pride Week, so that way there’ll be a parade regardless of whether the Sharks win or lose.
NFL Lawsuits
A random bystander showed up unannounced at the Cleveland Browns training facility looking to try out for the team. The team’s coaches all thought he was insane; they were like, “Why the hell would you want to play for this team?”
Former Dolphins QB Dan Marino has withdrawn his name from a group that is suing the NFL over concussion-related grievances. Apparently, Marino has confirmed that his chronic headaches were not due to head injuries, but rather from having to sit next to Boomer Esiason and listen to him all these years on the CBS.
NCAAF Wars
UCF coach George O’Leary has compared the SEC to “the South during the Civil War”. When asked how he could quantify such a statement, he replied, “Trust me – it brings back memories of when I was in my 20’s”.
AND FINALLY…
Doctors are confirming that a Milwaukee fan was not seriously hurt when he fell from the restaurant at Miller Park and into the Brewer’s bullpen. Eye witnesses are calling it the ugliest freefall in the NL this side of the Chicago Cubs.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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