The draft is a staple of the four major North American sports leagues. Players are chosen by teams based on several attributes that fit their style of play. Harry Potter has a similar system of placing students in Hogwarts. The sorting hat picks students based on characteristics that were seen as desirable by the founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. What if the Sorting Hat existed in the NBA? The NBA Sorting Hat could make some interesting decisions. Who would be placed in Slytherin and who would be placed in Gryffindor? Would anyone get placed in Hufflepuff?
Sorting NBA Players Into Hogwarts Houses
“You might belong in Gryffindor. Where dwell the brave at heart. Their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart”
For Gryffindor, there will be three types of players. Those who stick up for their teammates and aren’t afraid of a good oldfashioned scrap. Players who play much bigger than their actual size. And those who ignore the analytics crowd on twitter, the bravest thing in the world.
Point Guard – Ben Simmons
If there was anyone who epitomizes going up against the all-powerful internet it’s got to be Ben Simmons. He laughs in the face of the three-point shot, choosing instead to live in the paint amongst the bigs.
Shooting Guard – Marcus Smart
Marcus Smart would likely fight the Pope if it meant winning the game. He would be an all-time Gryffindor player.
Small Forward – Carmelo Anthony
Although he is not currently in the NBA, an exception is to be made for him. Is there anything braver than posting your empty gym workout video? Carmelo Anthony has embraced the hoodie meme with the same vigor that he used while rejecting Houston Rockets analytics.
Power Forward – P.J. Tucker
P.J. Tucker is arguably the most effective small-ball players in the NBA. He’s listed at just under 6’5”, but with the game on the line, he’s the guy a betting person would put their money on to grab a key rebound.
Center – Serge Ibaka
This hasn’t been fact-checked, but Serge Ibaka seems to get into two genuine fistfights a year. He had a memorable fight with Robin Lopez a few years ago, narrowly missing a right-hook that would put a UFC fighter in the emergency room.
“Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw. If you’ve a ready mind, Where those of wit and learning, Will always find their kind”
This is the easiest House to categorize. If you’re a smart basketball player and have the much talked about ‘Basketball IQ’.
Point Guard – Mike Conley
Do yourself a favor this season and watch the Utah Jazz, they’re going to be good. Pay close attention to Mike Conley as he navigates the pick and roll and gets everyone open. He’s so good at it that Hogwarts would expel him for using dark magic.
Shooting Guard – Lonzo Ball
The eldest Ball Brother has his limitations. However, his basketball IQ is off the charts. Lonzo Ball is deadly in transition, knifing past defenders and finding elaborate angles to make near-impossible passes.
Small Forward – Luka Doncic
Just look up Luka Doncic highlights on Youtube. He’s one of the best passers the league has ever seen.
Power Forward – Draymond Green
Draymond Green is a wizard when it comes to help-defense. The Golden State Warriors’ death lineup was predicated on the fact that Green was always going to rotate to the correct position and protect the rim with his length.
Center – Nikola Jokic
Not since Arvydas Sabonis have we seen a 7-foot player who is as gifted of a passer as Nikola Jokic. While he might dazzle on offense, pay attention to how often he gets his hands on the basketball while on the defensive end of the floor. Incredibly, he can still be an effective defender when he has some of the slowest feet in the league.
“Or perhaps in Slytherin, You’ll make your real friends, Those cunning folks use any means to achieve their ends”
This House is dedicated to achieving greatness. Yes, most of the evil witch and wizards come from Slytherin, so most of these guys are considered NBA villains by a lot of fans. They’re also all-time great players obsessed with winning. These are players who are focused on their legacy. Because of that fact, the Slytherin team would probably ruin every other House on the court.
Point Guard – Russell Westbrook
Russell Westbrook epitomizes the NBA villain. He plays with an edge and is one of the hardest-working players in the league. He is also obsessed with individual stats which can often be detrimental to his team.
Shooting Guard – Ignas Brazdeikis
This pick strays away from the criteria as well, but Ignas Brazdeikis has a snake tattoo on his forearm. It has to be the dark mark and he is secretly a Death Eater.
Small Forward – Kevin Durant
Oklahoma City Thunder fans think Kevin Durant is a snake. The guy went to the winningest team in NBA history so that he could win titles. Draco Malfoy would be proud.
Power Forward – LeBron James
The most powerful person organizing a group of other powerful people so that they can take over the world. LeBron James is not necessarily Lord Voldemort, however, he is often the leader of the leagues most hated.
Center – Anthony Davis
Anthony Davis forced his way out off of the New Orleans Pelicans so he could join James and the Los Angeles Lakers. If that’s not a Slytherin move then nothing is.
“You might belong in Hufflepuff, where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true and unafraid of toil”
There is an ongoing joke in the Harry Potter books that Gryffindor takes the brave, Ravenclaw takes the intelligent, Slytherin takes the ambitious and Hufflepuff takes all the rest. They are the lovable House that nobody dislikes. Players who are placed in Hufflepuff are a combination of loyal and lovable goofs.
Point Guard – Frank Ntilikina
Frank Ntilikina is being chosen simply because he has the best nickname in the NBA. “Franky Smokes,” which will live on forever. If that’s not loveable then nothing is. Not to mention it’s very hard to root against him after his performances at the FIBA World Cup.
Shooting Guard – Markelle Fultz
Nobody knows what’s going on with Markelle Fultz. However, it’s hard to imagine anyone who is rooting against the young man. We have never seen a case like this before. Hopefully, he can recover and become the player he was at the University of Washington, it will be one of the biggest stories this season.
Small Forward – Michael Beasley
As a result of the interview Michael Beasley did at the Lakers training camp, he is sorted into the Hufflepuff house. The interview should be put in the Louvre.
Power Forward – Giannis Antetokounmpo
Giannis Antetokounmpo has been quite vocal about how much he loves Milwaukee. The NBA has a long history of great players leaving for big markets. If Antetokounmpo staying in Milwaukee, Wisconsin would make him one of the greatest Hufflepuff players ever.
Center – Dirk Nowitzki
This is another rule breaker. Dirk Nowitzki retired at the end of last season, but he fits both Hufflepuff criteria perfectly. Nowitzki spent his entire 20-year career with one franchise. You will be hard-pressed to find a more beloved athlete in all of Dallas than Dirk Nowitzki. Also, if you want a good twitter account to follow then check out Nowitzki’s.
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