Just like Dick Cheney reading a New York Times article about early 21st-century US Presidents, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines in the world of professional during this past week:
FISH ON SPORTS: Ray Rice and Other Sports Stories We’d Rather Talk About
NFL
Another NFL Sunday is almost upon us. Fans are looking forward to another glorious weekend of sitting in front of the TV and watching Tony Romo throw interceptions.
The Baltimore Ravens have terminated Ray Rice’s contract after elevator camera footage from his battery incident in February was posted online by TMZ. This proves one thing: the NFL takes the issue of domestic abuse very seriously, but only after the tabloids get a hold of the story.
One of the teams looking for a bounce-back performance in Week 2 is the Patriots. Their offensive line was so bad against the Dolphins that even Brazilian goalkeepers were like, “They can’t stop anything”.
The Huffington Post has hired former NFL receiver Donte Stallworth as a political correspondent. The news organization says this hire will help better inform a key part of their organization: their fantasy football leagues.
A burger restaurant in Philadelphia called out LeSean McCoy on Twitter after he left a 20 cent tip on his bill. The waiter might be mad, but hey, even a little bit of tip money is better than none at all – I’m talking to you, Kendall Jenner.
NBA
Atlanta owner Barry Levenson is selling his stake after an email in which he made racist remarks about Hawks fans was made public. Or, as Donald Sterling put it, “I’m now officially a trendsetter”.
Hawks GM Danny Ferry is also under fire for insensitive comments he made about Miami forward Luol Deng. I mean, seriously: has anyone told these guys that they every time they say something discriminatory, Steve Ballmer won’t automatically give them $2 billion?
Jeremy Lin made a splash on YouTube after he stood in for his wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s in San Francisco. Everyone was totally shocked – it’s the first time they’d seen a member of the Lakers with an actual pulse.
BOXING
Floyd Mayweather told ESPN that he’ll fight for the last time in 2015. No one’s really sure what he’ll be hired to do once he’s retired, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be as a spokesperson for Reading Rainbow.
Speaking of idiot boxers, Mike Tyson is calling Rob Ford “the best mayor in Toronto’s history”. Later that same evening, Tyson also said that the local Olive Garden was “the best Italian restaurant in Toronto’s history”.
Mike Tyson also cursed repeatedly during a live television interview in Toronto when the host made reference to his rape conviction. At least I think they were curse words – the guy who does the closed captioning for the station resigned halfway through the segment.
MLB
New York Mets management is considering bringing in the Citi Field fences for next season. They say it’ll make the overall experience more exciting for fans, but let’s be honest: if they really wanted to get Mets fans excited, they should try signing some players who can get on base.
The Miami Marlins are set to offer outfielder Giancarlo Stanton the biggest contract in franchise history. Of course, because it’s the Marlins, this really means $50 a game and free concession stand hot dogs for life.
The Houston Astros will avoid losing 100 games in a season for the first time in four years. I haven’t seen a group of people this happy about ending years of abysmal losing since Susan Lucci’s 1999 PR team.
GOLF
Dustin Johnson has reportedly made $175,000 in prize money during his current leave of absence from the PGA tour. If he continues to pull in that kind of coin without actually doing anything every day, he’d have to legally change his last name to ‘Kardashian’.
NCAAF
Arkansas State has removed a cross decal from their helmets after the school received a complaint from a religious group. I’m shocked frankly – I didn’t know Arkansas State still had a football team.
SOCCER
Bad news for new parents who live in Lionel Messi’s hometown: as per a new law passed by the city, you cannot give your newborn “Messi” as a first name. In a related story, parents in Omaha, Nebraska are being told
AND FINALLY …
For the second week in a row, it’s about time we enjoy a funny animal video with some kind of sports context instead of a final joke – I give you bear frolicking on a golf course!
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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Main Photo via John Bazemore
