Reporting live from Ft. Lauderdale, FL, it’s especially great to be back this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making news during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NBA HOMECOMINGS
Of course, the big news (still!) is that LeBron James is headed back to the Cavaliers. Experts are calling it the biggest moment in Cleveland professional sports since Johnny Manziel came back from his last trip to Vegas disease-free.
Predictably, fans in Miami are very upset. They’re planning to protest James’ departure by continuing their tradition of not showing up at home games.
According to economists, LeBron’s return to the Cavs will bring an extra $500 million in revenue to the city of Cleveland. It won’t go very far though – they still need to pay back Josh Gordon’s drug dealer.
WORLD CUP FINISH
Germany are this year’s World Cup champions. German people haven’t been so openly joyous since David Hasselhoff’s last album came out.
Experts say that this World Cup could get a record number of young men to start playing soccer. The reason is simple: if they can win the world’s most prestigious soccer trophy, a hot German woman will rush on to the field and make out with you immediately afterwards.
On the other hand, it was a particularly heartbreaking loss for Argentina. I mean, their shot at everlasting glory vanished in the blink of an eye. It felt like I was watching Lance Armstrong being interviewed by Oprah.
Now, all eyes turn towards the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Insiders say that Vladimir Putin has already told his country’s team that, if they don’t win the tournament, he will make them suffer and never put a shirt on while riding on horseback again.
MLB ALL-STARS
The MLB All-Star Game was this week. It was a long, arduous grudge match to see who would be left standing at the end of the night: John Kruk or the concession stand that was selling nachos.
Yoenis Cespedes won Monday night’s Home Run Derby for the second year in a row. That too was a grueling process: four rounds, 288 total home runs and two altercations with Dick Pound when he tried following Cespedes to the men’s room.
Some controversy erupted after the game when Adam Wainwright said he “grooved” a pitch to Derek Jeter. I’m confused – I thought intentionally giving up runs like that was only something pitchers did in San Diego…
Here’s something you probably didn’t know about Jeter: he’s authored a children’s book that’s available for pre-sale online. It preaches the values of hard work, determination, and getting to date ridiculously hot women because you’re a professional athlete.
NHL BLACK EYES
A woman is suing the United Center after she got hit in the face with a puck during a Blackhawks game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if a woman gets a black eye that big in public, isn’t Chris Brown normally brought in for questioning?
Martin Brodeur, the NHL’s all-time leader in wins, still hasn’t been signed as a free agent. Isn’t that crazy? He’s known around the world for that one exploit and no one will hire him – now I know how George Zimmerman must feel.
AND FINALLY …
Tiger Woods is playing in his first major in eleven months. He told reporters he’s “in perfect health”, which can only mean one thing: he made sure the last stripper he slept with didn’t have herpes.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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Main Photo by Stanley Chou/Getty Images
