Just like John Boehner shopping in a tanning spray store, it’s great to be back once again. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines this past week in the world of pro sports:
FIFA WORLD CUP Chomps
In Tuesday’s game against Uruguay, Luis Suarez was not issued a red card despite biting an Italian defender. La celeste scored the winner moments later, proving that the secret to victory isn’t a balanced eleven-man attack but rather strong molars in the lower jaw area.
Thankfully, FIFA’s World Cup committee have already taken swift action in the aftermath of such an incident: they’re giving free rabies shots to whoever has to play Uruguay in the knockout stage.
Here’s an amazing stat: in light of Tuesday’s events, you’re now more likely to be bitten by Suarez than a shark. So, the next time you go to the beach, you shouldn’t be all afraid that anything will happen to you – I hear Uruguayan soccer players can’t swim very well.
Meanwhile, the United States managed to advance to the knockout stage and will play Belgium in the round of sixteen. You can tell they took the preparation for tomorrow’s match very seriously – they hired Dr. Oz as an emergency dieting consultant.
NBA Options
The big news this week is that LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Miami Heat and will become a free agent on July 1st. He’s about to become the most sought-after black man in America since the police finally managed to pull O.J. over.
One of the most interesting suitors for James are the Dallas Cowboys – rumor has it they’ve even offered him a sizeable contract. That would be quite a downturn for his career if he accepted: to go from the greatest basketball player in the world to just some guy Tony Romo can’t complete a pass to.
The Knicks’ Carmelo Anthony has also decided to test the free agent market. He says that recent events in New York have left him with a bad taste in his mouth, but hey, someone should’ve warned him that’s what happens when you hire Woody Allen to babysit your kids.
GOLF Returns
Tiger Woods is considering undergoing a miracle procedure that could potentially save his golf career. It’s supposed to simulate the kind of acute physical responsiveness that occurs when you’re banging 3-4 porn stars a day.
Tiger was among a group of PGA and LPGA tour pros who visited the White House this week. Things got awkward when Tiger asked if he could get acquainted with the First Lady, and Obama told him, “Only if you get tested first”.
TENNIS Terrorism
Wimbledon has banned flasks of tea at this year’s tournament due to terrorism concerns. I don’t blame them – I mean, when I think of radicals capable of harming large groups of innocent people, I always assume they’re drinking small amounts of hot water and bits of leaves.
NFL Concerns
Colts kicker Pat McAfee told the Indianapolis Star that he can make 75-yard field goals. With such one-of-a-kind legs, the team has already found the perfect way to harness them: casting McAfee in the role of Catherine Tramell in a local stage production of Basic Instinct.
MLB Bodies
Texas Rangers first baseman Prince Fielder will pose nude in an upcoming issue of ESPN the Magazine. They’re thinking of putting the picture right next to the full-page ad with the title: “What Doughnuts Can Do For You!”
Giants’ pitcher Tim Lincecum threw his second no-hitter in as many years against the Padres Wednesday. After the game, the San Diego clubhouse was almost as awkward as the time Anderson Cooper tried to say ‘vagina’ on live television.
The Cleveland Indians are being sued for $9 billion because the plaintiffs have deemed their logo offensive. The team’s front office is very worried – I mean, if they had that kind of money to throw away in one shot, they would’ve signed Robinson Cano in the offseason.
AND FINALLY …
Penguins captain Sidney Crosby won a trio of honours, including the Hart Trophy as league MVP, at the NHL awards this week. When asked what he’s planning on doing with the new hardware, Crosby said, “I’ll probably put them in the space I had specially made in my rec room for all the Stanley Cup rings everyone thought I would’ve won by now.”
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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