Just like OJ Simpson after the jury bought his testimony, it feels great to be back this week. In case you missed them, here’s what’s been making headlines in the world of professional sports during the past week:
CSB – June 20, 2014
NHL Winners
The Los Angeles Kings defeated the New York Rangers in the second overtime of Game 5 to win the team’s second-ever Stanley Cup. This is most excited people in LA have been since they found out that Justin Bieber might be deported.
The Cup-clinching game was the longest contest in Kings’ franchise history. In fact, as the minutes dragged by, mny fans became tired and were unable to keep track of where Wayne Gretzky was on the Kings’ bench.
A study out of British Columbia shows that narcissists perform better in job interviews than those who act modestly. Or, as John Tortorella put it, “proof that I’ll probably get another NHL coaching job somewhere”.
PGA Domination
Martin Kaymar won the US Open in dominant fashion this past weekend with the second-lowest score in the tournament’s history. In fact, when course officials saw how low the results were on his scorecard, they thought he had cheated and just written down Obama’s current approval ratings.
Kaymar also became the second-ever player to record a win on both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day of the same calendar year. Now, both parents can rest easy knowing they were treated equally and not taken out for a nice dinner on either occasion.
A strange development from Sunday: Donald Trump tweeted that Pinehurst had a horrible “natural look”. He’d rather see them construct the course out of a sleek, modern, synthetic material, just like what’s used to make his wigs.
MLB Technical Difficulties
Technical difficulties with the left-field lights at Oakland Coliseum caused a 38-minute delay for fans during a game Saturday. Apparently the kid who pedals the bike that’s attached to the generator called in sick.
Three-year-old Marlins Stadium also experienced severe roof leakage when a thunderstorm erupted during Tuesday night’s game. I’m pretty the only thing with more holes in it is an Oscar Pistorius alibi.
WORLD CUP Eliminations
Spain has been eliminated from the knockout stage at the World Cup after losing their first two matches. Think about that – four years of buildup all leading to one extremely disappointing night, or as I like to call it, my high school prom.
Portugal also took a pounding in their opening game, losing 4-0 to Germany. Christiano Ronaldo was so upset that, after the game, he had to spend some quality time alone counting his endorsement money.
France manager Didier Deschamps is worried that there might a drone spying on his team’s training sessions. Upon hearing this, Bill Belichick replied, “No, no, I only spy on teams who practice the other kind of football”.
NBA Champions
The San Antonio Spurs are this year’s NBA champions after they eliminated Miami in five games. It was a prime example of how the grit and determination of a bunch of older guys can still win out against all odds … wait, never mind. That’s actually the tagline for the next Expendables movie.
All eyes are now on LeBron, waiting to see where he’ll play next season. Hopefully he doesn’t plan a sequel to his infamous “Decision” TV special – I mean, if I wanted to listen to an African-American celebrity talk about nothing for an hour, I’d buy the last Kanye West album.
AND FINALLY …
The US Patent and Trademark Office has cancelled the Washington Redskins’ registration. This means that, technically, anyone can make money off of the team’s name without the NFL’s interference – or, as the league put it, “Your move racists”.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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