Congrats. Your curiosity has gotten the best of you and you have once again stumbled upon a Jesse Smith satire. We are a long way away from the July 1st trade deadline, but it’s never too early to begin brewing up these juicy rumors for you to click to on our site. Here are the five utterly ridiculous MLB trades made just for page views, and page views only.
1. Mike Trout to Oakland for A Player to be Named
That’ll teach him to slump under .300 like last year. Punk. What better way to establish your authority as the new Los Angeles Angels General Manager, Billy Eppler, than to ship off the cornerstone of your franchise. This should send a tremble of fear into your remaining players, like Cliff Pennington or the ghost of Albert Pujols past. As for Trout, you wouldn’t have to deal with that smug grin everyday. No one works this hard! Give us writers something to complain about, sheesh.
2. A-Rod to… anywhere, I guess
Like anyone would take him. He’s like that doughnut in the office break room. It’s been there for a few years too many, even the person that brought it in regrets it, and it’s really starting to stink up the joint.
3. Jason Heyward and John Lackey to St. Louis for the rights to Lou Brock
Many people forget that Lou Brock started out his Hall of Fame career with three seasons with the Chicago Cubs. Brock went on to play sixteen years with the St. Louis Cardinals, and was one of the greatest base stealers of all-time. The Cubs got the Cardinals where it hurt the most this off season, so why not try to give them the ultimate dilemma?
4. Kris Bryant for a carton of expired half/half cream
In a weak moment, as the result of a calcium deficiency, Theo Epstein makes a wise decision.
5. Giancarlo Stanton to the Braves for prospects, then back to Miami for a different set of prospects doomed to be designated for assignment and waived, then picked up by Houston
What is more cruel? Playing for Miami or being cut by Miami? Neither! It’s being traded from them, then having to go back only to be cut. This move makes about as much sense as the failed Dan Jennings experiment of 2015. Houston somehow keeps their payroll at DraftKings levels and gets bounced in the ALCS.