Even though I’m trapped inside writing this instead of basking in the near-summer sunshine, it’s still great to be back again this week. In case you missed it, here’s what’s been making headlines this past week in the world of professional sports:
NFL Fumbles
The jersey that Mark Sanchez wore during the famous “butt-fumble” incident was sold at an auction for $820. Just goes to show all the kids out there: if you almost succeed in physically putting your head up someone’s ass one day, whatever you’re wearing will be a collector’s item.
Michael Sam and his boyfriend were photographed hanging out with Oprah Winfrey this past weekend in anticipation of the couple starring in a documentary. Both men believe everyone will enjoy the film once production is completed – well, everyone except Dolphins safety Donald Jones.
Speaking of the big screen, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch will reportedly star in a movie about himself. According to the latest Twitter update, the flick’s working title is “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People in Media Scrums”.
By the way, is anyone else surprised that he skipped the team’s recent trip to the White House? He would’ve been the first black man at the Executive Mansion not to be called a socialist by Tea Party members.
MLB Milestones
The Cubs have signed veteran slugger Manny Ramirez to be a player/coach for their Triple-A affiliate in Iowa. That’s right – the same organization that bans steroid-using alumni from team events has now hired Ramirez to mold the minds of team’s future stars.
The Dodgers’ Josh Beckett has officially thrown the first no-hitter of 2014. The people of Los Angeles haven’t seen that many zeroes lined up next to each other since the Kardashians got a family portrait done at Kim’s wedding.
Unfortunately, catcher AJ Ellis was put on the 15-DL after severely hurting his ankle during the celebration for Beckett’s performance. What’s more, sources are now confirming that Ellis’ ego is gone for the rest of the season.
IndyCar Finishes
Ryan Hunter-Reay won the 2014 Indy 500 this past weekend after he beat Helio Castroneves by 0.060 seconds. I mean, if you blinked, you probably missed it – kind of like David Hasselhoff’s career.
ABC’s final lap coverage of the race kind of tainted the excitement of it all for me. Let’s be honest: no one watches the Indy 500 for recurring images of tense women with fake tans – if I wanted to see that, I’d watch reruns of The Real Housewives of Orange County.
Boxing Blows
Floyd Mayweather issued an apology to the wife of rapper T.I. after the two men exchanged blows at a Fatburger in Las Vegas. Mayweather told her he wished they approached the situation with more class – in other words, they should’ve fought at a local Whitecastle instead.
NHL Waterfights
Russian coach Oleg Znarok has come under fire for allegedly communicating with other members of his coaching staff during the gold medal game of the World Hockey Championship despite serving a suspension from up in the press box. Somewhere, Bill Belichick probably smiled for the first time.
Chicago Blackhawks goalie Corey Crawford is under investigation by the LAPD for squirting a Kings fan with a water bottle during Game 4 of the Western Conference finals. They wanted to charge him with public indecency, but then Crawford was like, “I think you’re looking for my coach”.
PGA Injuries
Phil Mickelson has gone on record saying he’s going to win “at least one more” US Open. Is this realistic-sounding though? That’s like Tiger Woods saying he’s going to need “at least one more” sex rehab therapist with a nice rack.
Tennis Serves
My favorite moment of the French Open so far: a reporter mistakenly congratulating native son Nicholas Mahut on his match, even though the latter had just lost in four sets to Kazakhstan’s Mikhail Kukushkin. Listen, if you’re going to do something, at least pretend you know what’s going on – I mean, that’s my approach to having sex and it works perfectly.
AND FINALLY …
Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has put in a $1.8 billion dollar bid for the Clippers. I don’t really think this is fair – I mean, shouldn’t the guy who brought us Windows 8 be forced to buy the Cavaliers instead?
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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