It’s great to be back again this week. I’m very proud of my Halloween costume – it’s going to make everyone recoil in disgust and horror. I’m going as Mike Napoli’s beard. Also, here’s what’s been making headlines this week in the world of pro sports:
COME AROUND BEANTOWN!
Of course, the biggest story of the week is the Boston Red Sox beating the St. Louis Cardinals in six games to win the World Series. It’s their third in the last ten years, which means they’re winning a title about as frequently as Larry King gets a new wife.
David Ortiz was named World Series MVP after batting .688 in six games. In fact, Ortiz has been so good with a bat in his hands that Martin Scorsese wants him for the lead role in an upcoming gangster film.
I know I’m already doing a callback to my opening joke, but is anyone else excited that they don’t have to see Napoli’s beard on TV anymore? I mean, it got so big that you could fit all of Justin Verlander’s playoff disappointments in there.
Interestingly, Vegas oddsmakers say that the Los Angeles Dodgers are the favorite the win the World Series in 2014.
NBA TIP-OFF TIME!
As one MLB season ends, another NBA season begins. The league is looking to diversify its product this season by giving white guys more playing time.
There was a big upset on Opening Night when the Lakers beat the Clippers. Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak is so confident about his team’s chances this season that he tried to make a trade for Dwight Howard last night.
Many pundits are picking Miami to win the championship again this year. That would give LeBron three rings – one for every offensive touch Chris Bosh gets during a Heat game.
In sadder basketball news, Allen Iverson officially announced his retirement from the professional game. According to media reports, he plans to tour as a motivational speaker and extol the virtues of practice to young hoopsters across the country.
NHL – IN AND OUT OF THE (POLICE) LINEUP.
Colorado goaltender Semyon Varlamov was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault. Varlamov’s agent claims it’s a misunderstanding – apparently, it was all merely part of a very convincing Patrick Roy costume.
Meanwhile, a Russian parliamentarian says the arrest is a plot to sabotage the national team’s chances at winning gold in the upcoming Winter Olympics. I think that’s a little harsh – if they really wanted to lose out on the gold medal, they’d get the entire Buffalo Sabres team to play for them.
NFL HALFWAY MARK – STUDS AND DUDS!
For some, it’s sad to know that the NFL season is already half over. For the Giants and Jaguars, it’s sad to know that they still have to endure nine more weeks of this crap.
An early candidate for Coach of the Year is the Kansas City Chiefs’ Andy Reid. His team still hasn’t lost a game. His secret? Help his defense by eating the other team’s offensive coordinator.
The Seattle Seahawks are blaming their latest tough loss on the fact that the average height of their starting receivers is less than six feet tall. On the bright side, GM John Schneider says that the team is succeeding at making their quarterback look taller.
AND FINALLY …
David Beckham is reportedly “very interested” in bringing an MLS team to Miami. When asked why he chose Miami, he said that the climate would allow him to devote time to his new passion: going topless in the owner’s box.
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