So glad to be here. Here’s what everybody’s talking about from the week that was in pro sports:
CANADA REJOICES – NHL SEASON UNDERWAY
Since I’m Canadian, I have to start this week’s blog with the return of NHL hockey. Otherwise, I’ll be deported.
There’s been a lot of downsizing leading up to this season. The number of divisions was trimmed from six to four; goalies have trimmed two inches of each leg pad; and Paul MacLean is being asked to trim off that ridiculous mustache.
The Leafs have started the season with back-to-back wins. Everyone in Toronto is excited to see their team moving that much closer to another epic playoff flameout.
Patrick Roy is off to an inauspicious start to his NHL coaching career after getting into a heated post game exchange with Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau. As punishment, the league has ordered Roy to accompany John Tortorella to Overreactors Anonymous meetings for the rest of the year.
In all seriousness, I think Roy really spooked Boudreau. Right after the altercation, the Ducks coach hired Mike Vernon for protection.
NFL QUARTER POLE OFFERS PLENTY OF SURPRISES
First, the bad news: the Giants are now 0-4. Lots of fans are trying to find a silver lining, but you know your team’s bad when Archie tells Eli that he should avoid passing the stuffing at Thanksgiving this year and just hand it off to the running back.
In fact, the Giants’ morale is so low, they’re just thankful they don’t have to play the Jaguars this year.
Probably the most startling development of the week was that the Cleveland now has a share of the AFC North lead. Right now, their defense is so good they’re making good running backs look like Trent Richardson.
There have been so many surprising teams this year. I mean, people are still asking how the Seahawks have managed to start the season 4-0. And Richard Sherman keeps intercepting those questions and returning them for touchdowns.
In an odd conspiracy theory, Terrell Suggs is blaming Roger Goodell for last year’s blackout during the Super Bowl. In his defense, Goodell said that, after seeing Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos, he preferred watching the game with the lights off.
OCTOBER BASEBALL GIVING FANS SEASONAL CHILLS
In the feel-good story of the year, the Pittsburgh Pirates won their first playoff game in twenty years. Times really are changing – now, Steelers players have to go to a Pirates game to get a sense of what winning feels like.
Johnny Cueto is getting flack for his pitches being too straight.
The Cleveland Indians, in a not-so-fairy-tale ending, lost to the Rays in the AL wild card game. To make matters worse, Jason Giambi will now have a one-hour, nationally televised special where he decides which retirement home to go to in free agency.
The Dodgers are the odds-on favorites to win the World Series this year. They had the highest payroll in the majors this year; second-most if you subtract the money they’re giving to Yasiel Puig to learn some better dance moves (seriously, doing “the worm” is so late-90s).
Truth be told, Magic Johnson is really intense about his ownership role with the Dodgers. Reports are circulating online that he spent over two hours on the phone with Don Mattingly discussing who should inbound the ball in the fourth quarter.
Personally, I’ve never liked the idea of playing baseball in October weather. I mean, your hands shouldn’t go ice-cold when someone hands you a ball – that only happens when Larry King makes a sex tape.
NBA TRASH TALKERS COME OUT TO PLAY
Michael Jordan made waves this week when he said he could’ve beaten LeBron James one-on-one. What’s more, he said that Scottie Pippen could’ve taken Dwyane Wade and Phil Jackson can probably still take Chris Bosh.
Rick Pitino got blasted while doing a radio interview promoting his new book. The announcers said that he “ruined the Celtics”, to which Pitino responded “That doesn’t happen until Chapter 12”.
Here’s some stunning news: Dwight Howard recently beat a Houston teammate in a free throw competition. Honestly, I thought Aaron Hernandez was more likely to catch a touchdown this year.
AND FINALLY …
In a recent Vanity Fair interview, Jay-Z said that his past as a drug dealer will help him as a sports agent. He’s reportedly bringing in some Grade-A contracts from Mexico, apparently they’re way more potent than any contracts grown here.
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