After a week off, it’s great to be back! In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past week in the world of professional sports:
NBA Starts
A new season of NBA action is in full swing. We’ve already seen several amazing performances so far this year, and not one of them has been from the Lakers’ defense.
Here’s the sad truth about the Lakers right now: if they were any less watchable, NBC would’ve already picked them up as their new flagship comedy in primetime.
LeBron and the Cavs are also struggling, with Wednesday’s loss to Utah dropping them to 1-3 so far this season. As a result, the team has already begun to hang up new, more appropriate Nike banners around the city of Cleveland.
Seriously now, as a team, the Cavaliers only had 6 assists in that entire game. I mean, if they continue to ignore the passing game like that, people will start to think they’re the New York Jets offense.
Elsewhere, Heat forward Josh McRoberts got so mad that he ripped his jersey during a game against the Raptors. Mc Roberts blamed the tear on “faulty material”, which coincidentally the same thing Dwyane Wade told Pat Riley about his knee injuries.
Tony Allen has been fined $15,000 for striking a cameraman during a Grizzlies-Pelicans tilt on Monday. As a result, Alec Baldwin immediately called Memphis team brass and asked if he was available for hire as a bodyguard.
NFL Brothers
The big story was of course the Patriots’ big win over the Broncos in New England. Peyton Manning was so disgusted with his performance that he immediately went and watched game film of his brother Eli to cheer himself up.
After the game, Tom Brady said that defensive backs “panic” when they’re up against Rob Gronkowski. Oddly enough, I had a lot in common with Gronkowski when I was single – people would be watching us and say, “I can’t believe you can do all that with just the one hand”.
Meanwhile, Bill Belichick took some shots at Weather Channel meteorologists and their “inaccurate reporting” prior to Sunday’s matchup. Here’s my advice to Belichick: if you want to know what the weather’s going to be like on a given day, just ask Amanda Seyfried’s character from Mean Girls.
NHL Contracts
The Pittsburgh Penguins have signed goaltender Marc-André Fleury to a four-year extension worth $23 million. It’s a move that’s being applauded, but only by members from the 29 other NHL teams.
When this new contract goes into effect, the Penguins will have nearly $30 million committed to just four players, making it the most expensive foursome in sports since Michael Irvin invited those strippers to his 30th birthday party.
MLB PEDs
According to a new report out of Miami, Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids to the DEA back in January. Bleacher Report currently has the article filed under “Stories We Stopped Giving a Shit about Three Years Ago”.
For anyone who’s wondering what A-Rod has been doing during his long stint away from baseball, he’s actually developed a burgeoning acting career. Just last week, his testicles were booked as the leads for a new Raisinette commercial.
In other MLB news, Joe Maddon was finally introduced as the Cubs’ new manager and offered to buy a round of drinks for everyone present at the event. When asked what motivated his gesture, Maddon said, “Hey, if I were being constantly reminded that my job was reporting on a baseball team that hasn’t won anything in over a century, I’d need a drink too!”
RUNNING
Kenyan Wilson Kipsang won this year’s New York City Marathon with a time of just over two hours and ten minutes. He’s the first black guy to distance himself from that many Americans at once since President Obama had a closed-door meeting with Democratic representatives.
AND FINALLY …
This week’s you-gotta-see-this video comes courtesy of the Red Wings’ Jonas Gustavsson with an early Save of the Year candidate. Enjoy!
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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Main Photo Credit: Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports
