Fat & Skinny Post- Week 13
To all five of you that take the time to read this jibberish – before we get into Monday night magic, allow me to bellow.
Dear Washington’s Fedex Field Groundskeeping Staff and Management:
Do you realize that you are setting the playing conditions for a $10 B league. That’s B as in billion. This past week, your field reminded me why you’re QB RG Second Coming needed surgery. There was better grip on the ice surface the Capitals were playing on; and all that embarrassment on a Monday night for all to see. Dip****s!
Dear Jerry… errrr… Mr. Jones:
We know God hates Cleveland. We know God ignores Detroit. And we know staph infections love the Tampa air. But more importantly, as your squad – again for the 20th consecutive year – gravitates toward 8 and 8, you are now considered the Al Davis of your generation. And that my GM pretender friend, IS YOUR LEGACY!
And finally, Dear NFL Officials:
Yes you… you fat high school teachers with declining fine and gross motor skills. Regardless that we, billion fan types, have no freaking idea what “roughing the passer; the end of forward progress; or illegal contact downfield” is, we would like you to do something for us:
When you throw a flag, then make us wait 2 minutes for the final call (just enough for the wife to be nagging you to clean up your mess in the kitchen, and now you have time to do so), at least do us the favor of explaining why “THERE IS NO FOUL ON THE PLAY!” Every officiating crew in the NFL now looks worse than the NFL’s decision to put Trent Richardson on their early season ad nauseum fantasy commercial; better yet, worse than the 1st bloke who drafted Richardson #1 overall, and the bloke who said: “I wanted Trent!” “I know!” LMFAO
Now to the Who Dat via bullet point:
This game will help, but in no way will definitely DETERMINE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE THROUGHOUT THE PLAYOFFS FOR EITHER TEAM. Both Hawks and Saints can be anointed the FRONTRUNNER, but have challenges ahead that will too shape the season. The game – more important in that respect for the Saints more than the Hawks, but go head ESPN’ers – hype it up!
The Saints have a 36-24 road record the past 7 years, the second-best mark in the NFL during that span.
But they do not play well in cold weather.
This is a different, and more balanced Saints team, with the D as much in the fold as their record setting offence.
But in the Sean Payton/Drew Brees era, they are 2 and 6 in games in which the temperature is near freezing.
They, on top of the weather, will have to deal with, as expected, 136.6 decibels.
But they play in the loudest indoor stadium in sports,
But that’s not when on offence
Saints are #2 in Key Quality Statistics in the NFL
But the Seahawks are #1
Saints are #2 in Passer Rating Differential in the NFL (the #1 stat for correlated success)
But the Seahawks are #1
The Saints are #3 in Total Offence (415 yds/game)
But the Seahawks are #2 in Total Defence (293 yds/game)
The Saints are # 2 in Passing Offence (317 yds/game)
But the Seahawks are #2 in Passing Defence (180 yds/game)
The Saints get key glue offensive element back in Darren Sproles.
But the Seahawks are also getting healthy with Russell Okung and Percy Harvin back in the fold.
The Saints rushing attack is now more than complimentary than ever. They have averaged 5.1 yds/carry the past 3 games.
But the Hawks have been consistently running BEAST MODE all year.
Cam Jordan, Akiem Hicks are beasts, & with Junior Galette are due to lead the NFL by end of WK 13 in TTL Sacks. And aside from the normal catastrophic injuries that befall everyone, The Saints have held 8 of 9 opponents under 20 pts.
But the Seahawks, who have been at times embarrassingly try to protect Drew Brees the 2nd, are now getting healthy. Pro Bowler Okung is the linchpin to the O Line.
Saints are not getting enough contributions from their young wideouts, and Marques Colton and Lance Moore, to balance out Sproles and (not voted into the TOP 100 “proving the list is as meaningful and the Pro Bowl joke”) Jimmy Graham.
But the Hawks entire secondary has been a mobile pharmaceutical lab, and as it appears has 2 starting Legion of Boom out. Walter Thurmond and Brandon Browner are out, but we’re sure Pete Carroll can juice the next men up quick enough to make a difference.
All in all, your Google CEO recently said: “It’ll be hard for people to watch or consume something that has not, in some sense, been tailored for them.” Well if this Monday night bell cow of a game does not give you an erection with a cheeseburger on the end of it, check your pulse!
Prediction:
Several USC alumni who are Saints fans, who can’t forget what Pete Carroll left them with after his departure – which should have been a felony btw– poison his pre-game meal. Therefore he must watch from the booth.
Hawks home crowd sets new decibel record of 137.8 after habitual felony artist Marshawn Terrell Lynch re-enacts his BEAST MODE legendary playoff run. But subsequently, the deafening noise causes inner ear bleeding and cerebral hemorrhages to the fat high school teacher referees. So Game is cancelled in 2nd quarter. Everyone leaves and goes for some good coffee and seafood.
Score stands: Hawks 17, Saints 16
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