It’s great to be back. I’m actually in a great mood – I just made a killing selling overpriced 76ers gear to casual bandwagon fans on eBay.
Here’s what’s been making news during the past week in the world of pro sports:
NBA – DWIGHT HOWARD PUTS ’EM UP!
Amazing as it is, the 76ers have started the season 3-0. The last time that happened, I’m pretty sure that Allen Iverson was talking about not games, but practices.
Dwight Howard has told UFC head Dana White that he would fight in a cage match for $10 million. White thinks this has the possibility to be the most profitable UFC event ever, considering how many people would likely pay to see Howard get beat up.
Howard’s teammate, James Harden, has received an official “flop warning” from the league. Harden says he’s not trying to go down easily – his beard is just actually that heavy.
In other news, Kobe has been tweeting cryptic messages about his possible return from injury. No one knows what he’s doing or where this is all going – he’s basically the social media equivalent of a David Lynch movie.
In Boston, Gerald Wallace isn’t happy about his new role as the “seventh man”. Danny Ainge replied by saying he wasn’t happy spending the contract money of seven men to pay Wallace to be the seventh man.
NFL – GETTING ME A LITTLE HAZY …
The NFL suspended Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito this week after allegations surfaced that he had bullied one of his former teammates, Jonathan Martin. Anyone else not buying the theory that a 320-pound man would be too afraid to stand up to a 350-pound man?
Perhaps the real reason Incognito was suspended stems back to a voicemail he left on Martin’s phone that included a racial slur. To the former’s credit however, Incognito plans on issuing an apologetic slur before the end of the week.
This isn’t a new thing. According to Keyshawn Johnson, Warren Sapp bullied teammates when he played for the Buccaneers. Sapp was smart, however, and got rid of all the evidence – he ate anyone who stood up to him.
Speaking of getting bullied, both the Jaguars and the Buccaneers are still without a win this year. You can tell they’re getting desperate when the whole team autographs a lewd text to coax Brett Favre out of retirement.
NHL – FREE GEAR UPON IMPACT!
A drunk fan stole Adam Pardy’s helmet during a Winnipeg game on Wednesday. He told reporters he’s using it to protect his head from the impact of the Jets hitting the bottom of the Western Conference.
It’s actually been a pretty slow news week around the NHL. Headlines are coming in about as fast as Hal Gill going red line to red line.
One sad story to report: Nashville goalie Pekka Rinne could be out 6-8 weeks because of a severe E-Coli infection. Doctors are saying he got it from a bad room service dish, which should teach all young athletes an important lesson – always eat the food on the plate first, don’t skip right to the porcelain.
MLB – LANDMARK OF GREATNESS
This week marked the 50th anniversary of Elston Howard becoming the first African American to win the AL MVP award. Yankees brass have already tapped him as Derek Jeter’s successor at shortstop.
Seriously though, the Yankees have their fingers crossed about Jeter. In fact, they’re crossing them so hard, they’ve now had to place their fingers on the 15-day DL.
Meanwhile, teammates are urging Jacoby Ellsbury to stay with the Red Sox. They’re trying to make him feel as much a part of the group as possible, or at least that would explain all the fake beards he’s been getting shipped to his home.
AND FINALLY …
PSG star Zlatan Ibrahimovic is in hot water after reportedly making fun of an opposing player’s mustache. What’s even worse is the incident occurred when was in the middle of a fun match against his wife in their backyard.
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