I wanted to go to Wrestlemania so badly. Being from New York, it was so close. After I didn’t get tickets when they were initially released, I figured I would just spring for them on StubHub. As of this writing I still don’t have tickets, nor will I be acquiring them at any point before Sunday. However, many of my friends are going and all I can say is that I feel sorry that they wasted their money – no, it’s not all sour grapes…
In preparation for my Wrestlemania 29 predictions piece over the past few weeks, I began to notice something about how the show was shaping up. Sadly, this might end up being one of the worst Wrestlemanias of all time. The build was terribly executed (or properly executed, considering WWE painted themselves into a corner putting four out of six part-timers in the three main events), and the matches in terms of actual wrestling, don’t look all that exciting to make up for it.
Nevertheless, now that the final Raw is in the books (there is still Smackdown, but come on, nothing important ever happens there), let’s spend a little time with each match and figure out how this night is going to play out. Before anything, I want to get to the main event.
The Rock (c) vs. John Cena [WWE Championship]
This is how WWE ostensibly decided to sell the main event of Wrestlemania:
Cena: I’m going to win!
Two hours later…
The Rock: No, I’m going to win!
Seriously?! We get the same old, “I’m going to beat you,” promo from both guys with no interaction whatsoever? The writing team couldn’t come up with anything better than that, especially after The Rock delivered a Rock Bottom to Cena a week prior? I’ll admit, I hated when it became clear that the rematch was happening, but WWE could have at least put lipstick on a pig by making this feud more intense or personal on the way there. Instead, they went in the complete opposite direction. A New York/New Jersey crowd is a snarky one (I would know since I’m part of it); I really hope the entire match is just one giant “CM Punk!” chant in defiance that this match is taking place again and that he is not in it.
I will admit though, that despite being a guy who always went against the notion of Cena making a heel turn (not that he shouldn’t, just that he wouldn’t), they have at least made me consider it, however so slight the chances are, in this instance over the past week by his actions and the way he has been speaking. I even went against the idea a couple of weeks ago, which also has a much larger breakdown of this match-up if you are looking for one.
Prediction: John Cena wins clean and predictably.
Wade Barrett (c) vs. The Miz [Intercontinental Title] (Pre-show)
So WWE thinks so little of the once prestigious Intercontinental and United States titles that one got put onto the pay-per-view as a throw-in, only to be bumped to the pre-show, and the other isn’t making an appearance at all. Even worse is that it likely got downgraded so Sean “Diddy” Combs (although he’ll always be Puff Daddy to me) can perform. I really thought a cool idea here would have been to have these two plus Antonio Cesaro in a two-falls for both titles match, similar to the triple threat at Wrestlemania 16 between Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, and Chris Benoit for both of Angle’s belts. Instead, well, who cares.
Prediction: Wade Barrett wins.
Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins vs. Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls
It is amazing that Brodus Clay and Tensai, two glorified jobbers, ended up on the show when Cesaro and Kaitlyn, two champions, did not. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow certainly deserve the spot, and I am sure it is in the Bella’s contract that they must appear at Wrestlemania, but it is a shame that all four are forced on the card in this fashion. Having said that, I really can’t fathom any reason for them to lose here.
Prediction: Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins win.
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
It is too bad that this match will likely only get seven or eight minutes because it has potential to be good. You will be hard-pressed to find a bigger Y2J fan than me, but I just don’t see a purpose to him winning against the new Fandango character, who will be having his first televised match under the gimmick. Jericho always puts people over well; look for that here.
Prediction: Fandango wins, but Jericho is protected by getting the last laugh after the match.
Team Hell No (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston [Tag Team Championships]
Admittedly, this is the one match that I really can’t make heads or tails of in terms of the result. In fact, I feel like both teams should lose. I really like Kane and Daniel Bryan, but I think Team Hell No has run its course and Bryan needs to get back in the main event. Wrestlemania should have been the starting point for all of that. On the other hand, it feels like Ziggler is so close to becoming World Heavyweight Champion, so does it make sense for him to get the tag belts now?
You could make an argument that Team Hell No will win because they keep getting shafted at the hands of Ziggler, Langston, and AJ Lee, who will be with the challengers. The case can also be made that Langston, who like Fandago is not only making his Wrestlemania debut but will be having his first televised match, won’t lose out of the gate when WWE wants to make him look strong. He and Ziggler could also win the titles as filler to throw us off the scent until Dolph cashes in his Money in the Bank contract to become World Champ. There are many outcomes here, and I feel like I’m flipping a coin, but I think the champs retain and that break-up comes around the corner.
Prediction: Team Hell No wins when Kaitlyn comes out to prevent AJ from interfering; this match opens the show.
Ryback vs. Mark Henry
Clearly, Ryback wins here, after WWE has invested so much into his character throughout the past year. With no disrespect to the two performers, I can’t see this being a very entertaining match, and feel it will go on at least five minutes too long.
On a side note, I would rank that weightlifting competition they had on Smackdown last week right up there for fakest things the company has ever done. Look, I fully comprehend that professional wrestling is staged and predetermined, but don’t insult my intelligence that badly. Those weights must have been, what, ten pounds each?
And not to get even more whiny here, but I despise these angles where two guys have a “no contact before the match” clause, because they always have these bogus ways around it. Henry chokes Ryback with the weight bar, but it doesn’t break the clause because technically he didn’t touch him with his own hands? At that point, he might as well just blow his face off with a shotgun. When the police come and arrest him, he can claim that he had nothing to do with it, it was the bullets that killed him.
Again, I get that it’s wrestling, but still. There are just too many holes in this story for me.
Prediction: Ryback wins after Michael Cole nearly has a coronary announcing the Shellshock to Henry.
The Shield vs. Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show
Along with the tag team title match, the result of this one is difficult to pinpoint because a strong argument can be made on why each team should win. Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns have done some awesome things so far since they arrived last year, are young talents on the rise, and are yet to suffer defeat (I was at the match at TLC in December which was particularly good). A win over three major names on the grandest stage of them all would be a tremendous feather in their cap going forward.
However, babyface teams, especially with Sheamus, have been trying to knock them off for months to no avail. The basic formula here is to have the face(s) finally get the win at Wrestlemania. It just makes too much sense. Of course, there are feelings that one of these guys, likely Orton because the storyline points to Big Show, will turn on his team and become heel. No such mention had been made of it on-screen, but did The Shield allude to it in their promo on Raw? Plus the good guys have seemingly gotten the better of The Shield each week recently.
Prediction: The Shield win after Orton turns heel to start a feud with Sheamus.
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Jack Swagger [World Heavyweight Championship]
I will give WWE credit for trying something different, especially when I have lambasted them for being so lazy on other stories. And I’ve tried to care about this storyline. Truly, I have. I just don’t, and if what I have been reading online is any indication, I don’t think many other people have either. I will also give them kudos for allowing Swagger more mic time on Raw this week, but the bottom line is that his horrible acting stinks and ruins much of this whole angle.
As for a prediction, I would have a hard time believing that they will want to take the belt off of Del Rio when he is gaining some momentum as a face champion, nor would I believe that they reward Swagger as the one to do so after getting busted for a real life DUI a month ago, right after the feud started. Swagger and Zeb Colter have also gotten the best of Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez often over the past month and a half, so look for Del Rio to retain and get the last laugh.
Prediction: Del Rio wins and Ricardo gets revenge on Colter.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar [No Holds Barred; Triple H’s Career on the Line]
You can’t hear it, but I’m sighing right now. I spent enough energy breaking down a match I already can’t stand last week, so I urge you to go read that for extensive analysis on the ins and outs of what I think will happen (hint: the article’s title says it all).
But as an updated version, I’ll let you behind the curtain to my notes from Raw:
- Not only did Triple H lose last year, but he tapped. There is no way he loses again.
- This match has such little steam behind it that they had to bring in Shawn Michaels…again.
- Like before Hunter’s match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania, HBK starts off by doubting his best friend…again.
It is at this point where I realize I am ending every bullet point with the word “again”. And that is the problem. We’ve seen this match already, and now we are seeing it…again. In fact, if the tagline to the first match was, “Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar: The Perfect Storm”, then this year’s should simply read, “Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar: Again”.
Prediction: Triple wins. (As stated above, please read last week’s article for a full breakdown and more comprehensive look into this match.)
The Undertaker vs. CM Punk
Simply put, I am a bit biased, as I think that CM Punk is the perfect heel and that everything he touches turns to gold. I think Taker has held his own as well. Still, I really wonder what they had in store if Paul Bearer did not pass away right when this storyline was commencing. I also find it fascinating that the most obvious Wrestlemania outcome year after year is the most interesting story going into the show right now. To their credit, these two and the writers have done their damndest to make us believe Punk could win this. But he won’t.
Every year I enter a Wrestlemania pool where we pick the winners of each match and the person with the most correct takes the pot. The first name I circle on the list every time is The Undertaker’s. This year will be no different. If you believe the streak will end, I genuinely envy you. I wish I could go into this match believing there is a shot. But the streak will never end, and it shouldn’t. It makes no difference what the final number ends up as; too many years have been invested in the undefeated streak of The Undertaker for it to end. I am simply looking forward to what this match has in store for us.
Prediction: The Undertaker wins after Kane interferes when Punk is about to win. (Reason being: it protects Punk as the closest anyone has ever come to ending the streak, enables us to see a vulnerable Taker as he winds down his career, and allows the Brothers of Destruction to get the urn back and give Paul Bearer a final tribute together at Wrestlemania.)
So with a breakdown to every match in place, what is my overall prediction for the show? Taking Cena into account as the face this year with this match being more about his story than it is The Rock’s, the good guys will win all of the main event matches, save for The Shield, and the heels will almost sweep the undercard. It will be a bad night for heel managers, especially Paul Heyman, who will lose twice. And in general, it will be a long, exhausting night for wrestling fans as the event will run almost five hours from the start of the preshow until Cena raises the WWE Championship. Finally, and I really hope I am wrong, Wrestlemania 29 will go down as one of the dullest in history.
Wrestling fans are certainly known for their boisterous opinions on the internet, so what do you guys think will happen? Let your voices be heard in the comments section below as we are mere days away from Wrestlemania 29.
