Just like Richard Simmons in the middle of a glitter hurricane, it feels great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
FISH ON SPORTS: Triple Crown, FIFA Exits and a shirtless Jim Harbaugh
American Pharaoh was victorious at the Belmont Stakes this weekend and became the first horse to win the Triple Crown since 1978. It’s a feat that most people said would never be accomplished again – you know, like a Jenner winning another gold medal.
Speaking of Caitlyn Jenner, she has given permission to the Olympic Hall of Fame to erase Bruce Jenner from any and all record books. My question: does sports media really need to be obsessing over Ms. Jenner too? I mean, if ESPN really wants to devote news coverage to a man who no longer has any balls, why not just stick to Roger Goodell?
By the way, right before the Belmont Stakes, American Pharaoh signed a deal with Monster energy drink worth a reported $7 million. That’s right: a four-legged animal that lacks the ability to speak now makes more money endorsing drinks than George W. Bush would endorsing Encyclopedia Britannica.
The IOC approved four new official events for the Winter Olympics this week. They are team skiing, big air snowboarding, mixed doubles curling and rejecting bids to be the host city.
To soccer news now and, according to a former FIFA executive, Morocco really won the bid to host the 2010 World Cup. You know, I’m starting to think the people heading this organization are up to no good…
Speaking of World Cup bids, FIFA is indefinitely postponing naming a host city for the 2026 tournament. Sources say they’re waiting for a “better time” to continue the bidding process – and by “better time”, they mean “when there’s fewer police officers in our offices”.
The Los Angeles premiere of the film United Passions, which features Tim Roth as Sept Blatter, was attended by just two people. I know it sounds bad, but it was still a bigger crowd than the one who turned up for my stage debut in an all-acapella musical reboot of Shakespeare’s King Lear.
Soccer officials in Brazil are trying to quell riots by having fans from opposing teams sit next to each other. “This definitely won’t end in any acts of violence, such as stabbing”, said absolutely no one.
The NBA Finals are in full swing and fans are unhappy about the food prices at Oracle Arena in Oakland. Apparently a hot dog and a drink is over $25. The last time America was this incensed over a booze-and-wiener combo, it was being served by Bill Cosby.
On an even more expensive note, LeBron James supposedly bought Apple Watches for his teammates before the start of the Finals. That way, they can be more productive answering texts and emails while he takes every shot on offense.
A new biography by Kent Babb alleges that Allen Iverson was drunk during his famous “practice” rant. I found this surprising – usually when a celebrity athlete goes on drunken rants, it’s in public, on the side of the road, in front of a police officer, and their name is Hope Solo.
In NFL news, the Denver Broncos are now fining players who pass gas during team meetings. Instead, if a player’s body is trying to release any excess air, they’re supposed to do the right thing and go ask Tom Brady for help.
49ers linebacker Anthony Davis says he’s retiring from the NFL at age 25 to “take a year or so” off. I guess you could say that Davis understands the concept of retirement about as well as Oprah understands the concept of reasonably-sized portions.
The Stanley Cup playoffs are also going on, and there has already been loads of drama. Ben Bishop had to leave Game 2 due to uncontrollable vomiting. That should be a lesson to all young players out there: never try and squeeze in a Katherine Heigl movie marathon before a big playoff game.
The president of NBC Sports wants NHL players to shave off their beards. I think this is a terrible idea. Taking playoff beards away from professional hockey players would be like taking clothes away from Rush Limbaugh – just a whole bunch of bare flesh that no one wants to see.
The Houston Astros will be getting rid of the Tal’s Hill, that little grassy knoll in centerfield, after the 2015 season. Fans of the team were extremely saddened by this news; without the knoll, how is the mysterious second gunman supposed to get a good view of the game?
A recent article from the Associated Press proclaimed that A’s pitcher Pat Venditte was “amphibious” instead of “ambidextrous”. It’s hard to make too much fun of the AP though, since even the best of us mix up sayings from time to time – like when Bill Simmons said “lacks testicular fortitude” instead of “is the best commissioner in professional sports”.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie was named the MVP of a charity softball game that took place at Yankee Stadium last week. When reached for comments, people living in the Bronx were like, “Well, that explains those earthquakes we felt last night”.
AND FINALLY …
Jim Harbaugh was photographed participating in Michigan training camp exercises while shirtless. Honestly though, if his chest were any whiter, the Tea Party would be endorsing it.
