Just like a federal official working the FIFA scandal who gets paid per arrest, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of pro sports:
FISH ON SPORTS: FIFA Arrests, NBA Wins and Wheels of Cheese!
SOCCER Scandal
Over ten FIFA officials have been arrested and could be tried on American soil as the result of a joint investigation by the United States and Switzerland. It’s a tale of bribery, favoritism and an overall disregard for the integrity of the sport – in other words, the NFL is very interested in hiring all of them.
Despite all of this controversy, incumbent FIFA president Sepp Blatter has been re-elected to another term. How do you change a corrupt empire when you keep the one man who’s alledgedly at the heart of all of this? That’s like saying you want stiffer penalties for those who commit murder and then you try all of them in front of the O.J. jury.
Motor Sport Mishaps
Juan Pablo Montoya came from behind to win his second career Indy 500 title. I’m shocked frankly – the last time I saw a Columbian man driving that fast, there was a bundle of cocaine in the backseat.
NBA Finals
The Golden State Warriors have advanced to this year’s NBA Finals after a Game 5 victory Wednesday night. They’ll now face the East’s most dangerous team, the Cleveland LeBrons.
LeBron is now playing in his fifth straight Finals. If he continues to perform at this high a level, he might get more media attention than Steph Curry’s kids.
Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak has indicated that next season will likely be Kobe Bryant’s last in the NBA. Fans of the purple and gold say it will be hard to envision him doing something besides what he’s known for: rehabbing an injury.
Obviously, Bryant’s departure will leave a huge void in the organization. I mean, I don’t think I’ll see another player in my lifetime who refuses to rack up assists quite like he can.
MLB Cameras
A Braves fan was caught on camera fondling his girlfriend this week. I can’t say I blame him though – I mean, for the price of tickets these days, you want to make sure you see at least a few seconds of action.
The Fresno Grizzlies, AAA affiliate of the Astros, are now offering fans the “Frankenslice”, which is a pizza with a hot dog baked into the crust. Eaters of this new snack actually have a lot in common with Mary Shelley’s famous monster: they’ve both spent time unconscious on an operating table.
The Rockies’ AA affiliate in New Britain managed to record three errors on the same play. That’s right, three different yet simultaneous screw-ups – or, as it’s called by my girlfriend, the first time I tried to kiss her.
NFL Beginnings
Robert Griffin III and his wife welcomed a baby girl late last week. According to several family members, she’s already taking after her father and will be sidelined for the next six weeks with an injury.
ABC News is reporting that Ray Rice may have some suitors by the time training camp begins. Honestly, at this point, anyone who would want to sign Rice must only be interested in one thing: bad publicity.
Hundreds of Patriots fans gathered outside Gillette Stadium on Sunday to take part in a “Free Tom Brady” rally. Attendees were rewarded with free pizza, which can only mean that someone in the organization forgot to make sure the food prices were properly inflated.
TENNIS Outbursts
Roger Federer got angry at French Open security personnel Sunday after a fan charged the court tried to take a selfie with him. I can see why he’s angry, but he’s got to temper this with some realism – I mean, has anyone ever heard of the French being able to secure something?
AND FINALLY …
In case you missed it, here are some highlights from this year’s Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Festival, where a bunch of people chase a wheel of cheese down a hill. Enjoy!
