Good Friday everyone! I come to you with good news and even better news! The good news: Matt is spending the week giving back to the community by helping underprivileged people – and by that, I mean he’s giving Suge Knight some driving lessons. The better news: in his place, we have an actual comedian writing the column this week! Chris Venditto is a Montreal-based comic who can be seen all weekend as part of Turbo Charged Comedy at the Comedy Works, as well as the Young Guns of Comedy at the Comedy Nest. Make sure you follow him on Twitter @chrisvenditto. Enjoy!
The NBA and Stanley cup finals started this week, which is great news for sports fans: it means we are that much closer to the start of NFL training camp.
Sepp Blatter shockingly resigned from his position as president of FIFA this week amongst a growing scandal that has cost many officials there position, credibility and potential free will. In an unrelated story, Roger Goodell was given a 25 year contract extension as commissioner of the NFL.
Johnny Manziel is out of rehab and was spotted throwing water bottles at patrons at the Byron nelson classic. The harassing fan would have pressed charges, had the bottle not missed him and hit a tree on the adjacent hole.
The Detroit Lions are selling urinals from the now defunct Pontiac Silverdome signed by Barry Sanders. Because things are going so well for Detroit residents that they of course have money to spend on used bathroom equipment signed by a retired football star.
A piece of the scoreboard broke off at the French Open in Paris this week, and injured some spectators. When reached for comment, officials said shit happens, and continued eating overpriced cheese and stale wine.
According to close personal associates of Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade, the veteran would “welcome” a 20 Million Dollar a year contract. Pat Rielly responded by saying he would welcome a younger, healthier, more able-bodied D-Wade. “We all have dreams” he said.
Former Olympic champion Bruce Jenner is henceforth to be called Caitlyn. The Kardashian/Jenner empire is said to be devastated about not being able to welcome “Kaitlyn” to the world.
The Cleveland Browns signed a 9 year old child to a 1 day contract as part of its partnership with the make a wish foundation. The offer was for 5 years, but the child said he wasn’t ready to commit to the organization for more than a day.
And finally, The artist formally known as Ron Artest, Metta World Peace will now like to be called Pandas Friend, ( he’s dead serious about being called that) made news this week in the Italian Basketball league. The reason? he fouled five straight times in a game in less than a minute. Proving that no matter how many times you change your name, your reputation as a reckless defender will always travel with you.
