Just like Michelle Bachmann when she has an idiotic, homophobic fever dream, it’s great to be here. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
Tom Brady has been suspended four games by the NFL for being “generally aware” of the team underinflating their game balls. Many are outraged at the length of the suspension, but if he wanted a lesser sentence, he should’ve just knocked his spouse unconscious in an elevator.
Even Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft said the punishment “far exceeded any reasonable expectation”. As the NFL, you know you’ve screwed up as an organization when the man who was okay with paying a murderer millions of dollars to play tight end thinks you have poor judgement.
Jaguars first-round pick Dante Fowler tore his ACL less than an hour into his first practice. He had one tiny burst of physical fervour, and now won’t be any action for at least a year – he’s basically re-enacting my collegiate sex life.
According to a report, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has spent over $82,000 at concessions stands at MetLife Stadium. He would’ve spent more, but he didn’t want to ruin his appetite for dinner.
Matt Barnes was fined $50,000 for directing inappropriate language at James Harden’s mother. When he read the news, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was shocked – he was like, “There’s a sports league that actually reprimands players when abuse women?”
After Game 4 of their series, Cavaliers coach David Blatt said that the amount of critical decisions an NBA coach makes during a game is paralleled only by a fighter pilot. For me, it’s when he gives quotes such as that one that he resembles a fighter pilot: there’s usually a lot of crashing and burning.
Barack Obama received customized shoes from Nike. After he put them on, he became the first Commander in Chief to wear Air Force One’s onboard Air Force One.
The Colorado Rockies had to clear a sizable snowfall from their ballpark ahead of their Mother’s Day game. That’s right, a baseball diamond covered in white powder – or as Josh Hamilton put it, “a dream come true”.
Speaking of Hamilton, he was photographed signing a baby during a Rangers home game this week. He autographed the kid’s bottom, which is as close as the Rangers’ brass will let him get to any sort of crack these days.
In light of the recent “Ballghazi” scandal in the NFL, Major League Baseball is now clamping down on ball security. I don’t really think it’s necessary though – anyone who’s ever watched a baseball game knows that most players don’t need any extra help when it comes to clamping down on their balls.
MLB Network’s Heidi Watney suffered through a bout of vomiting during a live broadcast over the weekend. Of course it’s not her finest TV moment, but how do you expect the woman to react when she’s shown a Phillies “highlight” package?
Milwaukee Brewers radio legend Bob Uecker accidentally got locked in his commentary booth last week. When reached for comment, Uecker said he’s very thankful he had his smartphone on him – if he wouldn’t have been able to Google how to use a doorknob, he’d probably still be in there.
All the Canadian teams have now been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. This means, from now on, fans watching hockey can expect a lot more A’s and a lot less Eh’s.
During a recent radio appearance, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden called Jameis Winston “an embarrassment to the university”. Honestly, I’m not sure that embarrassment is the right word; but if it is, he’ll fit right in with the culture of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Newcastle forward Korbin Sims was taught on tape grabbing the genitals of a member of the opposing team. As a result, league officials have sentenced both players to start using the Grindr mobile app immediately.