Just like Kim Kardashian in front of a mirror, it feels great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
BOXING Vegas Bouts
Floyd Mayweather defeated Manny Pacquiao in the richest-ever fight in boxing history last Saturday. Early reports say that if Vegas stages more fights with that level of excitement, it’ll put the makers of Ambien out of business.
Yes, a lot of people were disappointed with the fight because it was “boring”, but they should look on the bright side: it’s not every day you get to see Mayweather go out and throw a punch at someone that wasn’t an ex-girlfriend.
Mayweather made more money than the new Avengers movie did at the weekend domestic box office. Yes, you read that right: a group of superheroes with seemingly limitless powers are less profitable in America than a middle-aged black man.
Manny Pacquiao’s aunt is now claiming that the fight was fixed. When I read this, I was shocked folks – I was like “Pacquiao’s aunt doesn’t know that all fights are fixed?”
Burger King had to pay a reported $1 million to get their mascot into Mayweather’s entourage. I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to ante up that kind of money to stand next a guy who calls his fans ‘Beliebers’?
HORSE RACING
American Pharoah prevailed at this year’s Kentucky Derby. I’d be worried if I was his owner – I mean, the last time a pharaoh was on top of the world, God thought it was an ideal time to send him ten plagues.
Victor Espinoza became just the second jockey in the last 30 years to win back-to-back Kentucky Derbies. He told reporters that he felt like the “luckiest Mexican on Earth”, to which reporters replied, “No, that’s actually Carlos Slim”.
Of course, one of the best parts about the Derby is the hats. Some people are saying that this year’s collection was the most ridiculous collection headgear in American history, and to them I say, “You clearly haven’t been inside Donald Trump’s wig room.”
NFL Draft
The NFL Draft has come and gone. Fans were very excited because, for one night only, they got to see all of the league’s future convicted felons under one roof.
First overall pick Jameis Winston has a clause is his contract with the Buccaneers that prohibits him from playing professional baseball. I guess Winston will just have to spend his off days honing his only other discernable skill: pilfering crab legs from the local supermarket.
Roger Goodell drew the ire of fans after he mispronounced the last name of quarterback Marcus Mariota. And people thought that Marshawn Lynch was only person that could say stupid things from behind an NFL podium …
Colin Kaepernick posted a photo to Instagram this week showing how he converted his garage into a shoe closet. There are thousands of shoes in the collection – one for each bonehead pass attempt he made last season.
MLB
James Taylor debuted a new song about the Red Sox this week. The team says it’s all part of their plan to turn all those 97-year-old lovers of bad acoustic-based music into diehard fans of the ball club.
NBA
Stephen Curry was voted the NBA’s MVP this season. He made an emotional speech thanking his family, his teammates, and those who were too freaked out by the size of James Harden’s beard and decided to vote for him instead.
Former Kentucky star Willie Cauley-Stein has officially changed his name to “Willie Trill Cauley-Stein”. He’s shaping up to be yet another talented athlete who gets mentioned in the news for all the wrong reasons – or, as Dennis Rodman put it, “a new me!”
GOLF
According the former’s Facebook page, Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods have ended their relationship. Thankfully, Woods said he was able to end things in a painless manner; I guess he didn’t have any spare five irons lying around when he broke the news to her.
AND FINALLY…
Soccer icon David Beckham turned 40 this past weekend. And yes ladies, in case you’re wondering, we are pissed about how good he looks for his age.
