Just like if Ted Cruz lived in a world where science didn’t exist, it’s great to be here. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines over the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NCAAB March Madness
The first weekend of March Madness is in the books. It’s the one time of year where your average sports fan will invite their friends over, kick back and pretend they actually care about college basketball.
According to ESPN, 99.3% of people who made bracket predictions through its website have already had theirs busted. That’s only a 0.7% success rate, or as it’s known in basketball circles, “Knick-like”.
Duke easily dismantled their competition on their way to a Sweet 16 berth. Experts are saying that beating the Blue Devils this year is “almost as tough as trying to spell Coach K’s last name”.
No. 7 seed Wichita State scored the upset over in-state rival Kansas to reach the Sweet 16. Little known fact about Kansas: they invented the toothbrush. At least I’m pretty sure they did – I mean, if any other state in the union had invented it, it’d be called a teethbrush.
NFL Blackouts
The NFL is suspending TV blackouts for the 2015 season. In previous years, blackouts only happened for one of two reasons: the home team didn’t sell a minimum amount of tickets that was predetermined by the league’s head office, or you’re a woman who went out for a drink with Bill Cosby.
The annual Coaches Yearbook photo has been released. Glancing at it made me realize one thing: Andy Reid should definitely star in an upcoming Magnum: P.I. reboot.
NBA Beards
James Harden scored a career-high 50 points against the Denver Nuggets over the weekend. He’s become a new role model for many Americans: basketball enthisasits try and emulate his on-court skills and Duck Dynasty enthusiasts try and emulate his beard-growing skills.
Lakers point guard Steve Nash has officially retired from the NBA. Nash says that he plans to return to his Canadian roots now that he’s done playing, which can only mean one thing: he’ll be hosting plenty of maple syrup parties in his igloo.
Timberwolves coach Flip Saunders was irate after members of the Utah Jazz broadcast team for accusing him of tanking. When reached for comment, Saunders said “the notion that I enjoy losing enough to do it on purpose is absurd; if I wanted to be in charge of a team who put no effort into any of their games for an entire season, I’d coach the Toronto Maple Leafs”.
NHL Free McDonald’s
Speaking of the Maple Leafs, for the first time in more than 40 years, a Saturday night game featuring the Buds was not broadcast on Hockey Night in Canada. Instead, they showed a documentary titled Highly-Paid TV Racist: The Life and Times of Don Cherry.
Former enigmatic All-Star Ilya Kovalchuk is supposedly angling for a return to the NHL next season. In fact, he’s already promised to give the Devils a discount and sign for only $250 million.
There are rumors out of Ottawa that Andrew Hammond might get free McDonald’s for life because of his “Hamburgler” nickname. He’s the kind of athlete governor Chris Christie calls “a true inspiration”.
MLB Snacks
The Yankees have hired a nutritionist to help prevent their players from eating unhealthy foods. In a related story, CC Sabathia is seriously contemplating an early retirement.
Miller Park in Milwaukee is now selling deep-fried nachos on a stick. Concession stands have taken the proper measures to insure that those enjoying this new snack won’t die: if you buy two or more at once, they’ll will throw in a complementary defibrillator.
College Baseball Milestones
Drew Rasmussen threw a perfect game for Oregon State on Saturday. I haven’t this many people get this excited about seeing a Beaver since Sharon Stone was interrogated in Basic Instinct.
AND FINALLY …
Roxanne Chalifoux – otherwise known as the “Crying Piccolo Girl” from the Villanova pep band – made a special appearance on The Tonight Show. Let that be a lesson to the kids out there: if you want a spot on the biggest talk show in the US, just be really good at tearing up on national TV.
