People can make some rather vacuous remarks, and for real bona fide stupidity, look no further than football punditry.
BT Sport’s Michael Owen, for example, may have been a formidable striker, but his monotone, headache inducing ‘insights’ leave a lot to be desired. Ridiculed since his punditry debut a couple of years ago, relying heavily on footballing clichés and unemotional observations, Mike-otron 2000 is the commentary equivalent of a vegan doughnut: bland and boring
Football Punditry: The Good, The Bland and The Boring
Owen has spouted some inane observations, however, the following six statements really highlight his punditry prowess:
1. “It’s a good run but it’s a poor run, if you know what I mean?” (We don’t, please elaborate)
2. “What a feeling it is to be a manager and bring someone on.”
3. “It’s a nightmare for strikers when defences push up. You’ve got to go with them or you’re offside.” (Thanks for clarifying, Michael)
4. “That’s simple as…simple”
6. You have to believe your own eyes, don’t you?”
6. “To stay in the game, you have to stay in the game”. (Straight out of Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War)
Please, Michael, think before you talk, you’re making my migraine twerk.
Then there’s Robbie Savage. While he is an improvement on Owen, that doesn’t say much for the ex footballer. When Manchester United legend Paul Scholes was caught muttering an obscenity in the direction of Savage on BT Sport’s Fletch & Sav show, he was speaking for the vast majority of football fans.
Scholes muttered ‘k***head’ under his breath, and this assertion, more accurate than any football based one ever made by Savage, hit the nail firmly on the head. By bellowing a mishmash of guess-timations, Savage seems reliant upon two ‘go to’ words when describing a particular piece of footage: Incredible and Disgraceful.
Possibly his most insightful moment arrived after England were prematurely eliminated from last year’s World Cup. When asked where it all went wrong for Roy’s men, Savage stated that England’s simply failed to “have a go.” Perhaps Roy Hodgson, after hearing this, thought “damn it, that Savage has a point. If only we had a go.”
Every family has a black sheep. Just ask Bill Clinton. If you weren’t aware that the ex, fun-loving president had a brother, it’s for one simple reason: Bill wanted it that way. While ‘Wild Bill’ was seducing interns and becoming a prominent world leader, his half-brother Roger was involved in cocaine trafficking.
How Gary Neville must feel when his brother Phil decides to open his mouth, probably the same way Bill feels when Roger comes to town. Inferior in every way imaginable, Phil never was the footballer Gary was. Although he was a very respectable defender/holding midfielder, Phil’s punditry leaves a lot to be desired. In fact, no sooner had he made his co-commentary debut alongside Guy Mowbray for England vs Italy, close to 500 people called the BBC to complain.
Mercilessly ridiculed on Twitter for his debut nose dive, Pip responded in a manner that showed genuine good spirit, taking to Twitter to apologise in a humble, slightly embarrassing manner.
At the other end of the sibling spectrum sits Gary Neville, a man widely regarded as the best analyst currently operating today. The former Manchester United and England defender, once the UK’s least popular player, is now a beloved pundit.
What makes Gary Neville such a celebrated pundit? Firstly, as obvious as it sounds, he actually fills the job description. No sitting on the fence here, Neville refuses to remain ‘Swiss’. His step-by-step, analytical approach is masterful, a joy to behold. Making it look effortless, that is where his genius lies.
One would assume that shedding light upon a sport you’ve played at an elite level shouldn’t be particularly difficult, however, Michael Owen shows that this is a flawed philosophy. Thirteen years ago, whilst sidelined with a broken metatarsal, Neville made his punditry debut for ITV at the 2002 World Cup.
Regularly seated beside the likes of Jamie Redknapp and Thierry Henry, two very uncontroversial gentlemen, you could be forgiven for thinking Neville’s quality is amplified by some of the other Sky Sports pundits.
Although, on closer analysis, one sees just how good Neville really is.
In stark contrast to most of the flock, he argues against the consensus. Also, just because Neville was one of Manchester United’s longest serving players, bias never plays a part in his analysis.
For example, back in January, Neville criticized Louis van Gaal’s 3-5-2 system, saying it had made Manchester United too slow and predictable. United supporters were obviously siding with the pundit, regularly shouting ‘4-4-2′ at home and away fixtures.
Analysing United on Monday Night Football, Sky Sports’ stellar show, Neville said Van Gaal’s 3-5-2 system lacked dynamism and merely favoured possession over attacking play.
Honestly and precisely, the class of 92 graduate said: “They play the ball out from the back – as most good teams would – but the tempo is too slow.”
Furthermore, prior to this observation, when United sold Danny Welbeck to Arsenal, Neville told Talksport, “I can’t work it out, after all the prices I’ve seen paid this summer, I’m thinking ‘how is it just £16million? There’s been right-backs and left-backs galore who have been bought for £15million this summer. How have they got him for £16million? I can’t work it out to this day, it’s a strange one. It really does feel strange that it’s a centre forward and actually it’s helped out a competitor, someone who will be vying for those third and four places with United this season.”
Jamie Redknapp, on the other hand, remains totally neutral, determined not to be overly critical. Considering he appears to be friendly with, or related to, a number of leading Premier League figures, how is Redknapp supposed to provide the viewer with meaningful, honest thoughts? Successfully avoiding such partisanship, Neville isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, even if he currently holds a key coaching role with the English national team.
Neville’s Monday Night Football musings, a show where he demonstrates his real skill, are obviously the result of diligent, methodical research. When the two time Champions League winner put a 16-minute sequence on the art of diving together at the end of last season, many people took to Twitter to praise his endeavour and insight. You see, Neville was a true pro, a footballer all too aware of his strengths and weaknesses. Now, undeniably, the 40 year old treats punditry in very much the same way he treated his playing career. He wasn’t the fastest, he wasn’t the most skilful, he wasn’t the most naturally gifted, but Neville succeeded through blood, sweat and meticulous preparation.
