Just like John Travolta doing something creepy in the tabloids, it’s great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
GOLF
Tiger Woods is opening up a new restaurant in Florida. Not only that, Woods wants to put his own personal touch on some of the dishes – as a result, all meats are tenderised using a four iron from the Elin Nordegren collection.
In a weird twist to the story, the moniker “Tiger Woods” reportedly can’t be used in the restaurant’s title because Nike owns the rights to it. So, if you want a billion-dollar endorsement deal from them, you actually have to sell them more than just your soul.
Seriously though, if the above statement out Nike’s ownership of Tiger’s name is true, then we all know how he got away with those extramarital trysts: those woman never screamed his name out in bed because they weren’t legally allowed to do.
NCAA Probations
The Syracuse men’s basketball program has been put on probation for five years for violating NCAA drug and booster activity regulations. That’s right, a half-decade without playoff games – or, as most basketball fans in the state of New York call it, “only the tip of the iceberg”.
Elsewhere in college basketball, the Kentucky Wildcats finished the regular season with a perfect 31-0 record. It must be a special feeling for John Calipari – I mean, it’s always great to see the guys who tamper with player eligibility do so well.
NFL Donors
Giants’ punter Steve Weatherford and retired wide receiver Sidney Rice will reportedly donate their brains to science. Pete Carroll also wanted to donate his, but local research groups told him “Actually, we’re looking for brains that still work properly”.
Speaking of brains that don’t work properly, have you been following Chip Kelly’s offseason moves for the Eagles so far? I haven’t seen someone misjudge a makeover like this since Uma Thurman’s PR rep said, “No, your face definitely look a lot better than before!”
An insider source revealed that the NFL sent a memo to all 32 teams expressing their displeasure with the release of contract terms before the start of free agency. So, to summarize, someone from the NFL’s front office just leaked information to media about not leaking information to the media.
Former New England running back and U.S. Senate hopeful Craig James called the Patriots’ support of gay marriage “the work of Satan”. When I heard this, I was shocked – I had no idea Bill Belichick worked on anything besides spy-cam schemes.
NHL Glass
A woman attending her first Chicago Blackhawks game was severely cut on the head after some of the glass was dislodged during play. To her credit, she was able to watch the rest of the game after receiving medical attention, and it’s that kind of passion and dedication to the game of hockey that will make her the top free agent target of the Toronto Maple Leafs this off-season.
CYCLING
According to a report out of the UK, Lance Armstrong actively colluded with the International Cycling Union to supress doping allegations. The sad thing is, yes, they all conducted themselves incredibly poorly, but at least Lance had the ball to come clean on national television.
SOCCER
Cristiano Ronaldo is starring in a new footwear commercial where he shows off his dance moves. I’ll be honest, he looked a little like Fred Astaire, and a lot like a guy who should stick to his day job of playing soccer.
Cologne’s Anthony Ujah apologised for a lewd goal celebration during which he tried to forcefully mount the team’s mascot, a goat named Hennes. After seeing this, the team’s sentenced him to three weeks as a proud resident of Alabama.
AND FINALLY…
College pitcher John Lollar has the highest kick of any pitcher Fish on Sports has seen in a while. He’s been impressing scouts with this kind of leg work – not baseball scouts mind you, but talent scouts for an off-Boradway revival of A Chorus Line.
