Just like Kim Kardashian teasing the cover of the book she paid several people to write for her, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL Deflation
What a weekend of action is was for NFL fans. Those watching the early game got to witness the Seahawks’ stirring fourth quarter comeback against the Packers, and those watching the later game got to witness the Colts’ defense receive the first drive-by colonoscopy in league history.
As far as the Packers go, you’ve really got to feel for Aaron Rodgers, who was playing with calf and ankle injuries. Until next season, he’ll just be a normal guy in Wisconsin who cashes State Farm residual checks and has sex with Olivia Munn.
Through an investigation headed by the NFL, the Patriots supposedly deflated several game balls before the AFC Championship. Let’s be reasonable though – if you’re spiking the ball in the end zone as much as New England did in that game, they’re going to lose a bit of their air.
I’ll be honest: I don’t think this whole “deflategate” really has that much bearing on the Patriots’ win. I mean, the only under-inflated balls that cost an NFL team the game this past weekend were Mike McCarthy’s on 4th down.
There’s a rumor circulating online that league officials want Super Bowl host cities to construct a special section in their stadiums with wider seats. As a result, starting next year, the big game will now be re-branded as Super Bowl XXXXL.
MLB Contracts
Max Scherzer signed a 7-year, $210 million deal with the Nationals over the weekend. This is the largest sum of money a white person in DC has received since Monica Lewinsky got her 1996 holiday bonus.
Let’s be serious for a moment: that is an ungodly sum of money. I mean, just to give you an idea of exactly how much that is, take the dollar amount the Oxford English Dictionary would willingly give Mike Tyson to be their spokesperson, and add $210 million.
The Seattle Mariners have become the first MLB team to install LED light fixtures in their ballpark. Now, fans can go the Safeco Field and watch their team miss the playoffs in stunning new clarity.
NBA Workouts
76ers center Joel Embiid has publicly denied speculation that he weighs over 300 pounds. He says he’s thankful that his teammates are always there to back him up, which makes me suspicious – I mean, if you’re not fat, shouldn’t you be able to back up without your teammates’ help?
The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will be holding a special mass at Madison Square Garden this fall. In a statement, he urged New Yorkers to come together and pray for a miracle – and by miracle, he means the Knicks winning consecutive games.
NHL Fights
The Boston Bruins will be playing an outdoor game at Gillette Stadium against the Montreal Canadiens in 2016. The league is billing it as a clash we’ve waited years to see – drunken Beantown trying to shout expletives while they don’t have any feeling in their faces.
During a match-up earlier this week, the Flyers and Penguins brawled four times in just the second period. Had the tension-filled fisticuffs had gone on any longer, they would have been forced to change the name of the telecast to “The Jerry Springer Show”.
Near the end of Toronto’s loss to Carolina on Monday, three Maple Leafs’ fans were ejected and fined for throwing several team jerseys on the ice. When I heard about this, I was stunned – I was like, “People are still paying money to go and see the Maple Leafs play?”
GOLF Teeth
Tiger Woods was photographed in Italy on Monday watching his girlfriend Lindsay Vonn’s skiing exploits with what appears to be a missing tooth. In fact, it’s the only hole the media’s ever talked about, in connection with Tiger Woods, that he hasn’t tried to stick his junk in.
Robert Allenby’s story about allegedly being kidnapped and beaten while in Hawaii is now being refuted by witnesses. According to new reports, Allenby hit his head and, once he woke up, was unable to string together coherent sentences – in other words, he does a great Don Cheery impression.
NCAA Recruiting
ESPN National Recruiting Analyst Gerry Hamilton drew chortles from the Twitterverse when he accidentally tweeted out the link to a porn video. The rest of the tweet read: “Take a good look everyone – this is what a real five-star recruit’s highlight reel should look like”.
SOCCER Belligerence
Hope Solo has been suspended by USA Soccer after she “acted belligerent” when police pulled her and her husband Jerramy Stevens over on suspicion of DUI. Things got awkward when an officer asked the brooding, overly-muscular freak to exit the vehicle, then added, “Sorry Ms. Solo – we were actually referring to your husband”.
AND FINALLY …
If this video from the CBA Dunk Contest proves anything, it’s that “forming a f****** wall” at the professional level isn’t always the best idea.
