For the first time in 2015, I get to say that it’s great to be back this week! Fish On Sports is returning for yet another year; some of you I’m sure are reacting like this, while others more like this. In any event, let’s move on to the stories that have been making headlines for the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL Playoffs
The Dallas Cowboys won their first playoff game in five years on Sunday. Owner Jerry Jones said he couldn’t possibly express how excited he was for his team, but only because the Botox was still fresh.
Of course, the big story from that game was a holding penalty that was controversially reversed by the officials. For his part, Jones said the right call was made – but only by his constituents on how much bribe money they should send the referees.
It was sad to see Detroit blow the double-digit lead they had on the Cowboys though. Their second half play reminded me a lot of Justin Bieber’s career: they let a couple of balls drop and it was all downhill after that.
Plans are underway to build a new state-of-the-art football stadium in Los Angeles. I’m hearing that it’ll be made of state-of-the-art material that’ll never move or crack, or as it’s also known in Hollywood, Bruce Jenner’s face.
A woman named Lacy Noonan has written an erotica book that centers on the Partiots’ Rob Gronkowski. When I read the news, I was shocked – I was like, “Someone other than Tom Brady has erotic fantasies involving Rob Gronkowski?”
Lambeau Field will be selling a “Big Game Burger” for Sunday’s playoff tilt that weighs 3.5 pounds. It’s the perfect meal for any football fan that enjoys eating a heart attack dressed in a food costume.
NBA
The Atlanta Hawks hosted a Tinder-themed “Swipe Right Night” on Wednesday. It’s just another example of the team’s PR department giving Hawks fans one more reason to stare at their phones and not pay attention to the damn game.
It’s pretty amazing: the Hawks have the best winning percentage in the Eastern Conference, yet they’re also in the bottom five of the league attendance-wise. An amazing product and no one’s watching – I mean, if this were a sitcom, NBC would’ve canceled it ages ago.
The Philadelphia 76ers finally got their first home win of the season against the Cavaliers. Afterwards, the team ran into the stands and celebrated with the three people still coming out to watch 76ers home games.
Carmelo Anthony says he might stop playing for the rest of the season. This decision comes only two months after the rest of his teammates decided they’d stop playing for the rest of season.
It’s gotten so bad in New York that the Times are sending their Knicks beat writer to watch another team for a month. They’ve chosen the Washington Generals because hey, they lose every game too, but at least there are buckets of confetti to take the edge off.
Rapper Rick Ross has reportedly tattooed the Miami Heat logo onto his face. That’s right: he’s willing to have black balls sit permanently on his face – just another trait he has in common with the Kardashian sisters.
SOCCER
In a tweet that was supposed to welcome him to his new squad, the Los Angeles Galaxy, the official MLS Twitter handle referred to Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard as “bae”. Even more shocking, after the tweet was sent out, people are still referring to Major League Soccer as a “professional sports league”.
A manager in Germany’s Division III forced his team to switch hotels over the weekend because over 400 Russian swimsuit models had booked rooms in the same building. When asked to comment, he said that leaving his players surrounded by that much sexual temptation would be Putin their focus at risk.
NCAAF
According to the Los Angeles Times, USC’s copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman trophy has been found more than twenty years after it was stolen. The school plans on publicly displaying the trophy and changing their full name to the University of Sociopathic Criminals.
Texas A&M head coach Kevin Sumlin has supposedly fired his pool boy after the employee shared “top-secret” information on Twitter. If you’re his butler or cleaning lady, I think the moral of this story is pretty clear: make sure you register your Twitter account under a fake name.
MINOR LEAGUE SPORTS
A basketball referee in Oak Harbor, Washington was caught on video taking a minute-long call on his cell phone while the ball was in play. Parents in attendance were all like, “This is exactly the type of guy Dean Blandino would hire to work a Cowboys playoff game.”
AND FINALLY …
I mentioned earlier on a story about a new Rob Gronhowski-themed erotica book. Honestly, the story is decently funny on its own, but you know what would make it hilarious? Gilbert Gottfried reading actual passages from the book itself! (Warning: the audio content is NSFW).
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