Just like Americans who like Cuban cigars and importing them legally, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines in the world of professional sports:
NFL Debuts
Football fans are still talking about Johnny Manziel’s disastrous debut this past Sunday against the Bengals. His first series was a three-and-out, he finished with two interceptions and had less than 100 yards passing – in other words, he’s fitting the mold of a Browns quarterback perfectly.
In a recent TV interview, Olivia Munn admitted that she doesn’t have sex with her boyfriend, Aaron Rodgers, on game days. Instead, Rodgers prefers to be screwed by opposing defenses.
After the appeal of his suspension was denied by the NFL, Adrian Peterson said he might retire from football and pursue Olympic sprinting instead. I think this would be a good move for Peterson – it would finally show that he can beat someone other than his kids.
The FCC received several complaints this weekend after some parents didn’t take kindly to the cutaways of Tom Brady swearing on the sideline in between plays. They were like, “If I really wanted to cover my child’s eyes so they wouldn’t become traumatized from watching football, I’d switch over to the Jets game instead”.
Speaking of the Jets, owner Woody Johnson accidentally favorited a tweet calling for GM John Idzik to be fired. In fairness to Johnson, if you take a look at the New York roster, it’s clear that he has absolutely zero experience dealing with stars.
San Francisco was also knocked out of playoff contention by the Seahawks this weekend. 49ers brass said after the game that the team really has to break some of their bad habits in order to win, such as giving guys named Kaepernick lucrative contracts.
NBA Passes
Lakers’ guard Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan for third all-time on the NBA scoring list. This is an incredibly rare accomplishment – I mean, I can’t remember the last time I saw Kobe pass anything.
The Raptors’ Lou Williams is allegedly dating two women simultaneously. It’s further proof that all good things usually come in two’s, just like 76ers win totals.
Wal-Mart had a Caucasian plush doll for sale on their website this week that, as labeled, was supposed to be Carmelo Anthony. What makes this more unbelievable is that fact that the doll combines two things never seen in professional sports merchandise: a smiling player wearing a Knicks jersey.
NHL Mumps
The NHL is currently experiencing a mumps outbreak. It’s very serious. Health officials have confirmed that a large amount of people are becoming violently ill, just like every Carolina Hurricanes fan.
There’s been some talk that the league hasn’t taken the necessary measures to properly quarantine players who already have the mumps – but can they really justify keeping players away from their team’s locker rooms? That’s like trying to keep a Kardashian sister away from an NBA locker room.
The Panthers and Capitals engaged in a shootout Tuesday that went for 20 rounds, lasting nearly 25 minutes. It’s the most insufferable marathon the NHL has seen since Darryl Sutter last had a press conference.
The Flyers’ farm team, the Lehigh Valley Phantoms, netted a trio of goals in thirty-six seconds Wednesday night. That’s right, scoring three times in less than a minute, or as it’s also called, every male college student’s ultimate fantasy.
NCAAF Awards
Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota took home this year’s Heisman Trophy. It’s an achievement that no one will ever be able to take away from him, unless of course he accepts gifts from agents who are affiliated with USC.
Mariota has a really bright future as a player. At this point, many NFL executives are predicting he’ll have a long, illustrious career throwing interceptions for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
MLB Pizzas
The Milwaukee Brewers will have a new exhibit at Miller Park in 2015 entitled “The Bud Selig Experience”. One of its many features include interactive games where fans can see what it feels like to be Selig and let steroids ruin the credibility of professional baseball.
Here’s a heartwarming story: Oakland’s Brett Lawrie got pizza with a little girl who cried when he was traded earlier this fall. Immediately after the get-together, Lawrie was placed on the DL for pizza-related bloating.
Rumors are swirling that the Diamondbacks traded Wade Miley to the Red Sox because he wouldn’t adopt a gluten-free diet. Essentially, they tried to force an American to eat food that’s less harmful for your body – even Michelle Obama was like, “That’ll never work”.
SOCCER Fatigue
A Chilean news outlet is reporting that Arsenal forward Alexis Sanchez is experiencing extreme fatigue due to active sex life. Doctors say that all this sexual activity could ruin his ability to be an elite athlete, to which Tiger Woods said, “Not at all”.
AND FINALLY …
For those of you who are in need of a video that will effectively waste twenty-four seconds of your life, I now present Pat Sajak rapping Rae Sremmund’s “No Type” on ESPN!
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