Just like Netflix executives daydreaming about their plan for world domination, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past week in the world of professional sports:
NFL Booze
American Thanksgiving is here, and I wonder what that holiday must be like for the Manning’s. I’ll be willing to bet that they rely on Peyton to do most of the cooking – I mean, if it were up to Eli, the only thing he’d be serving up would be turnovers.
Speaking of Peyton, it turns out that he and my girlfriend have a lot in common. In fact, the only major difference between them is that Manning can’t go nearly as deep with balls as he used to.
This week’s massive cleanup at Ralph Wilson Stadium means that the Bills will be playing in Buffalo. The stadium isn’t completely white anymore, which means Tea Party members are furious.
After being fined $100,000 for dodging the media two weeks ago, Marshawn Lynch used just 50 words total to answer 22 post-game questions from media members Sunday. I mean, the only man I’ve ever seen more tight-lipped around reporters was Bill Clinton circa 1998.
Lynch’s teammate Richard Sherman took to the press podium flanked by a cardboard cut-out of Seahawk Doug Baldwin to ridicule the NFL’s decision. The league was absolutely stunned – Roger Goodell immediately turned to his advisors and said, “Cardboard cut-outs of Doug Baldwin actually exist?”
Free-agent QB Tyler Thigpen was arrested in South Carolina for falling asleep at a Wendy’s drive-thru. As embarrassing a moment as this was, statisticians have confirmed that this doesn’t even crack the list of Thigpen’s 10-worst career drives.
A bar at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay was caught serving water as alcohol. It was every Bucs fan’s worst nightmare come true – watching their team play without the option of getting drunk to compensate.
MLB Contracts
Many people are still talking about Giancarlo Stanton’s recently-minted $325 million contract. The last time a guy of Hispanic descent had that much money to spend, Tony Montana’s dead, blood-soaked body was falling into an oversized pile of cocaine.
The Boston Red Sox also inked a duo of stars – Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramierz – to big contracts. Insiders say that, to help pay for the influx of new debt, the team will now sell space for smalls ads on Dustin Pedroia’s bald spot.
NHL Billions
According to Forbes Magazine, NHL franchises are worth more money than ever before – well, almost all of them. I mean, if you’ve watched them play this year, would you really qualify Buffalo as an NHL team?
For those wondering, the Toronto Maple Leafs are the league’s most valuable team at $1.2 billion. It makes sense, because when I think about a franchise that hasn’t won a championship in nearly 50 years, the first thing that comes to mind is “appealing to buyers”.
Edmonton netminder Viktor Fasth let in a goal from centre ice Tuesday night. In fact, the only longer shot the Oilers will let get away from them this season is their chances at a playoff berth.
NBA Struggles
It’s been another week of sub-par basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The team’s performance has been so poor that coaches think LeBron’s new hair piece could lead the team in three-point FG percentage.
Here’s a feel-good story: Zach Randolph donated 450 Thanksgiving meals to a local Memphis high school. That’s enough turkey to feed a bunch of hungry people, or one hungry Glen “Big Baby” Davis.
NCAAF Threats
The FBI is looking into a note that threatened to damage foliage on the Ole Miss campus. There were a lot of spelling errors in the note, which can only mean one thing: there’s an MSU graduate student out there with a hatred for trees.
AND FINALLY …
The biggest moment from this week’s action was Odell Beckham Jr’s unbelievable touchdown catch in their tilt against Dallas. Let’s just watch it one more time together!
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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