The new NBA season is finally upon us. It promises to be another eight months filled with the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and all eight stages of male pattern baldness (and that’s just LeBron James we’re talking about). Of course, it’s also that time of year where high-ranking sports savants, such as myself, look into their crystal balls and give their predictions for the upcoming hoops campaign, but only after my doctors grabs my aforementioned crystal balls and tells me turn my head and cough. Now, without further ado, I present to you 30 NBA things that will probably have a chance of definitely happening in 2014-15.
30 NBA Things That Will Probably Have a Chance of Definitely Happening in 2014-15
Kobe Bryant will get the 593 points he needs to pass Michael Jordan for third on the all-time scoring list. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing he’ll feel the need to pass this season.
Speaking of the Lakers, their defense will struggle in a big way this year. Look for them to let more things through than the guys who guard the White House fence.
The Detroit Pistons front court will accomplish something that no other NBA team has ever done: make Stan Van Gundy’s look of total, incurable exasperation his default resting facial position.
Kevin Durant will not rush his rehab after suffering a fracture in his right foot. That way, he’ll have time to finish crocheting different hat and mitten sets for each of his teammates before the holidays.
While we’re on the subject of the Thunder, Scott Brooks will be fired if the team doesn’t make it back to the NBA Finals. If that happens, he’ll join Mike Brown as part of the group called “Guys Who Couldn’t Win a Title despite Having the League MVP on Their Roster”.
Another coach who will be ousted if his playoff performance doesn’t improve is the Rockets’ Kevin McHale. Look for Houston to replace him with someone who can bring something new to the table, namely an offensive playbook.
The Pacers will suffer the biggest fall from grace this season. Without a healthy Paul George, their chances of contending in the East are smaller than the contents of a lewd Brett Favre text message.
The Philadelphia 76ers won’t even win fifteen games this year. As a result, attendance will drop drastically, as most fans would prefer to just stay home and cry along to their Boyz II Men records.
The Celtics will trade Rajon Rondo and finish near the bottom of the East with a miserable record. Somewhere, Rick Pitino will have a hard time getting the smile off his face.
Charlie Villaneuva will make his first playoff appearance after playing nearly 600 regular season games without one. Unfortunately, that appearance will likely be limited to rising from his seat on the bench enthusiastically whenever Dirk makes a shot.
Speaking of Dirk, look for him to have a bounce-back year and put up big enough numbers to generate some MVP buzz. He’ll be the most talked-about German in America since Angela Merkel “accidentally” allowed her nude photos to be leaked from the iCloud.
Chris Hansen and his team will continue to push to bring an NBA team back to Seattle. Hansen told me that, if he’s learned anything from NBA players-turned-family-men, it’s that pulling out is never an option.
Carmelo Anthony will make several more TV appearances similar to his recent Sons of Anarchy cameo. The bad news for Knicks fans? He won’t make nearly as many appearances on defense, especially in transition.
The Washington Wizards will win 50 games this season for the first time in 35 years. It’ll be the first time something big has been accomplished in the nation’s capital since, wait – when was the last time something big was accomplished in the nation’s capital?
LeBron James will feel even more pressure to win a title in Cleveland this year after welcoming a new son with his wife this week. He knows from experience that, if the team doesn’t perform up to expectations, his son will bolt and create his own superteam in Miami.
All kidding aside, I think LeBron, Kevin Love and Kyrie Iriving will mesh very well together and form an immediate title contender. As for Dion Waiters, he’ll mesh really well with whatever trade demands he makes to Dan Gilbert before Christmas.
Gordon Hayward will struggle under the burden of the new contract given to him by the Jazz. I can’t say I blame him though – it must be hard being the highest-paid white guy in Utah who’s not named Osmond.
Jabari Parker will run away with Rookie of the Year honors this season. In fact, he’ll perform so well that Jason Kidd will momentarily forget how to “accidentally” spill his soda on the court during a key moment in the fourth quarter.
DeMarcus Cousins will finally shed his immature persona and become the cornerstone big man the Kings have dreamt of since they drafted him. Hopefully, ownership will soon shed their immature persona and surround him with the kind of competent, NBA-level talent he’s dreamt of since they drafted him.
Pau Gasol’s arrival and Derrick Rose’s return will make the Bulls’ offensive look more like a competitive unit and less like your NBA 2K15 team when your Xbox controller mysteriously goes offline.
While we’re on the subject of the Bulls, they will make their first NBA Finals appearance since 1998. Just to give an idea of how long ago that was, Erik Kramer was still holding down his job throwing interceptions for the Bears.
As for the Western Conference, don’t sleep on the Clippers – they’ll be a strong title contender this year as well. In fact, they’ll be so prominent in the media spotlight that, for a split second, you’ll think Donald Sterling still owns the team.
But enough silliness: time to get down to the real prediction business. The Spurs are still the most dominant team in the league and will relish the challenge of doing something they haven’t done during their current dynasty: win back-to-back championships. They’re too well-coached, well-practiced and well-put-together on defense – sorry Bulls fans, but San Antonio will beat Chicago in five games to win this year’s NBA title. Oh, and hopefully Gregg Poppovich loses the beard at some point, it makes him look like he runs a pawn shop.
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