Just like peaceful protestors in China finding out that they have support from smooth jazz legend Kenny G, it feels great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL Milestones
Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre’s record for most career touchdown passes for an NFL quarterback. As far as records go, he now only trails Favre in one category: number of women who’ve seen his junk via text message.
Experts say that this milestone cements Manning’s legacy as the greatest quarterback of all time. As for Favre, now he’ll probably only be known as the greatest Wrangler Jeans spokesperson of all time.
Michael Sam has been waived by the Dallas Cowboys. It was a very nostalgic moment for me – I was like, “Remember the good old days when he was supposed to be the biggest off-field distraction in the NFL this year?”
Brandon Marshall says he doesn’t regret his post-game tirade in the Bears’ locker after Chicago lost at home to Miami on Sunday. Apparently, Marshall was yelling so loud that he nearly woke up the team’s offensive line.
Pittsburgh linebacker Lawrence Timmons was caught on camera vomiting on the field prior to a snap on Monday Night Football. When questioned about the incident, Timmons said he became violently ill after someone showed him of a nude photo of former Steeler Terry Bradshaw in the huddle.
Minnesota’s Christian Ponder and ESPN sideline reporter Samantha Steele got married this week. When asked about the peculiar timing of the nuptials, Ponder said, “This way, I’m guaranteed at least one reception before the end of next week’s game”.
NHL Surprises
One of the league’s biggest surprises in the early part of the season has been Nashville. In fact, they’ve been so dominant thus far that rival scouts say the only thing that take down the Predators is Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1987.
Meanwhile, at the time of this writing, the Hurricanes were the only team still winless in the NHL. Right now, Carolina’s chances of making the playoffs are about as real as Renee Zellweger’s face.
A new organization in Massachusetts is paying clients $40 a day for their stool samples. I’m all for this – I mean, Milan Lucic shouldn’t be the only turd capable of earning a decent salary in that state.
MLB Song Requests
Radio stations in San Francisco have banned the Lorde song “Royals” from their airwaves. That’s right, because if anything’s going to swing the World Series in the Giants’ favor, it’s outlawing the music of a moody female pop star from New Zealand.
According to multiple sources, Wade Davis’ wife gave tickets to Game 1 of the Fall Classic to a waiter in lieu of a tip. The waiter told a local television station that he felt extremely lucky – not because he got the tickets, but because she didn’t notice that he spat in her food before bringing it to her.
According to the Kansas City Star, the Royals’ midseason struggles might have been a result of players spending too much time playing the video game Clash of Clans. So, let that be a lesson to you all: if you stop playing video games, you might be able to break a 29-year-old curse, which for a lot of gamers means losing their virginity.
TENNIS Errors
A Russian member of the IOC has been fined $25,000 for calling Venus and Serena Williams “the Williams’ brothers”. This should be a reminder to everyone: if you pass a manly-looking woman on the street, don’t be rude, do the right thing and tell Bruce Jenner that he looks great.
SOCCER Snapchats
Russian fans were banned from attending a recent CSKA Moscow Champion’s League match against Manchester City because they’re “too racist”. Honestly, if CSKA’s fans are that racist, why are they wasting their time attending soccer games when they could be getting paid millions hosting their own show on Fox News?
BOXING Bieber
Justin Bieber has reportedly asked Floyd Mayweather to teach him how to box. This is an opportunity that so many people would kill for – I mean, you’re literally getting paid to try and punch Bieber in the face.
NCAA FOOTBALL Crabs
FSU coach Jimbo Fisher cut an interview session short on Monday because reporters were asking him too many questions about Jameis Winston. The good news is that, by leaving early, he was able to enjoy a nice big plate of free crab’s legs before going home.
AND FINALLY …
A US high school girls’ soccer coach accidentally sent a sexual Snapchat to some team members. Frankly, I’m shocked – I mean, what kind of teenage girl adds their male soccer coach on Snapchat?
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
Thank you for reading. Please take a moment to follow me on Twitter – @afishcalledmatt. Support LWOS by following us on Twitter – @LastWordOnSport – and “liking” our Facebook page.
Have you tuned into Last Word On Sports Radio? LWOS is pleased to bring you 24/7 sports radio to your PC, laptop, tablet or smartphone. What are you waiting for?
