Just like Ron MacLean tossing all of his CBC memorabilia into a fire pit, it feels great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of pro sports.
NFL Comebacks
The New England Patriots are back on track after their win against Cincinnati on Sunday. Bill Belichick told reporters that the secret to his team’s success was remembering to plug Tom Brady into his iPad charger the night before.
The Browns came all the way back to beat the Titans 29-28 after trailing 28-3. It’s being called the most impressive comeback in Cleveland since LeBron’s reconstructed hairline.
Golden Tate said that Jim Schwartz being carried off the field after the Bills’ victory over the Lions was a “total douche move”. You know it’s serious when a remark like this comes from Tate, since him telling you to tone down your jerk-like behaviour is like Bruce Jenner telling you to tone down your plastic surgery use.
The Jacksonville Jaguars have issued a public apology after their mascot made an ill-advised joke about Ebola. Listen, if he or she wants to poke fun at a horrifying situation, I have some leftover gags about that Jaguars defense they can use.
MLB Wins
The San Francisco Giants are off to the NLCS after beating the Washington Nationals in four games. Folks in the Bay Area had a wild party in the streets that included a parade, confetti and topless dancers – and then they found out that the Giants won.
Game 2 of that series was the longest playoff game in MLB history. It lasted 6½ hours, or as Peter Jackson put it, about half as long as the next Hobbit movie.
Also in the NL, the Cardinals advanced to the NLCS for the fourth straight year. At this point, St. Louis is making winning in October look about as easy as getting past the security on the White House lawn.
Both the Royals and Orioles have advanced to the championship round after sweeping their respective opponents. As a result, the only thing shorter than an ALDS series this year will the Trick or Treat line outside Adrian Peterson’s house.
To celebrate with Royals’ fans, Eric Hosmer bought all the patrons at a local sports tavern an hour-long open bar. Thankfully, everyone partied responsibly and took a cab instead of trying to drive their tractors home.
NHL Beginnings
The NHL’s regular season begins this week. It’s that joyous time of year when hockey fans can sit back, relax, and watch Joel Quenneville grab his junk on live TV.
This year, the NHL will offer its fans something that no other pro sports league can: a Jets team that will lose games without needing Geno Smith’s help.
Are you like me? Are you going to tune in to Hockey Night in Canada this year just to watch Don Cherry ask uncomfortable questions about George Stromboulopoulos’ skinny jeans?
Canadiens defenseman PK Subban has admitted to passing gas in order to distract opponents. Finally – an on-ice tactic that will allow you to literally blow the competition away.
Mark Donnelly, the Vancouver Canucks’ regular anthem singer, tripped on the red carpet during a performance at a minor league game. Those who attended the game said they hadn’t seen a flop that bad since Battlefield Earth’s original theatrical run.
NBA Sales
LeBron has put his Miami mansion up for sale for $17 million. According to the realtors, the house comes with five bedrooms, six bathrooms, and the original knife he used to stab the Heat organization in the back.
Kobe Bryant bashed the league for supposedly urging the players to take less money when negotiating new contracts. Realistically speaking, there’s no way a guy like Kobe would take less money – I mean, how else would he pay litigators when he wants to vacation in Colorado?
AND FINALLY…
Men’s Health received a glut of negative feedback from readers after the magazine published an article claiming that women won’t watch sports unless there’s a ‘storyline’ involved. I was shocked when I heard about this – I was like, “People actually read the articles in Men’s Health?”
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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