Just like Clint Eastwood entering a squinting contest, it’s great to be here again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL Expirations
We’re already a quarter of the way through the NFL season. Isn’t that unbelievable? It seems like yesterday that Roger Goodell had unshakeable job security.
Here’s who’s really in trouble – The New Orleans Saints. Their defense is so bad that, the next time Rob Ryan throws beads during Mardi Gras, women will show him something he’s never seen before: a playbook.
Tom Brady was benched during New England’s lopsided Monday night loss to the Chiefs. I heard that Brady got real emotional after the game – in fact, one eyewitness even saw his supermodel wife use $100 bills to wipe away his tears.
The Ravens also scored a big win against the Panthers on Sunday. Fans are saying it’s the kind of Baltimore beat-down that they only thought existed on elevator camera footage.
The Redskins sold expired beer at concession stands during Thursday night’s game against the Giants. Upon hearing the news, fans looked at their Budweisers and went, “I didn’t know water had an expiration date”.
Giants’ safety Antrel Rolle says that teammate Prince Amukamara’s strong play this season is due to his very active sex life. Or, as Tiger Woods put it, “Someone took my career advice seriously”.
MLB Playoffs
Jeter gets infield single with his last career at-bat at Fenway. The team let him keep the bat he used as memento, to which Jeter said “Cool – I only have 258 mementos just like it”.
But enough about No. 2 – how exciting was that Kansas City-Oakland Wild Card game? I haven’t seen that many white people deliriously happy since Donny and Marie had a Mormon-only party at their place.
Oakland’s loss came after a rather revealing picture of Josh Reddick was published on Instagram. I’m guess that’s why the A’s lost that game – everyone was too grossed out wanted to avoid touching the bag.
Major League Baseball is already looking ahead to next season and will implement six rules changes to try and speed up the game. As a result, there will be a 2½ minute limit for between-inning breaks, pitching changes and any other ceremonies honoring outgoing Yankees shortstops. **Yes, I know that’s another gratuitous Jeter joke, but hey, it’s not like I’ll have the opportunity to make them next year**
NHL Ice Crew
After much deliberation, the Philadelphia Flyers will be reinstating their Ice Girls in time for the beginning of the regular season. Apparently, members of the male crew who were employed during the preseason were getting tired of Claude Giroux’s constant attempts at grabbing their asses.
OLYMPICS
The Norwegian government has forced the city of Oslo to withdraw its bid for the 2022 Olympics. Apparently, the breaking point was when Michael Phelps insisted on driving himself to and from events while he was there.
NCAA Concussions
Brady Hoke under fire for putting QB Shane Morris back in game after sustaining concussion. Michigan’s athletic director has since apologized for Hoke’s actions, while the NFL thinks he’d be a great candidate to handle all those silly head-injury lawsuits.
Matthew McConaughey stopped by a recent Texas Longhorns practice to talk to the players. During his speech, he said that the real test of character is not when Charlie Strong drug tests one of them now, but when he breaks into their houses and does so ten years from now.
GOLF Clubs
A police report from Wednesday stated that 920 chickens were killed with a golf club in California. The incident has confirmed the sports community’s worst fears: Elin Nordegren is starting a local restaurant.
AND FINALLY …
Back to my “funny video” segment for this week, and this one had me cracking up all week – I give you Guy Who Faints Three Times On The Same Amusement Park Ride.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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