Just like Barack Obama forgetting to go to Starbucks for some tea before a military function, it feels great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
Soccer Beatings
Hope Solo is facing two charges of domestic violence after allegedly punching her sister and 17-year-old nephew. See, now who says female athletes can’t do everything that male athletes can?
Despite these allegations, Solo played for the US Women’s Team over the weekend. For the sake of gender equality, I think Adrian Peterson should be able to go into his local Nike store and demanded they sell him her jersey for free.
NFL Thrusts
Detroit Lions player Steven Tulloch sustained a season-ending injury after doing a triumphant, post-sack hip thrust. I guess that will teach him to enroll in the Bill Grammatica school for On-Field Celebrations.
The Wall Street Journal is reporting that several NFL veterans are having trouble using their tablet computer playbooks. In fact, the only thing they feel comfortable doing on the tablet is using the Yellow Pages app to look up a good lawyer.
A census out this week revealed that the Eagles are the whitest team in the NFL. That would probably explain why Donald Sterling has made multiple offers to buy the team within the last twenty-four hours.
Pictures surfaced on Bleacher Report this week of Chiefs owner Clark Hunt’s 3-floor, 6-bedroom suite at Arrowhead Stadium. The place is so big that, if you were to remove all of the furniture, you can fit more than one Andy Reid in there.
A cow in Pittsburgh born with the number seven on its forehead has been named after Ben Roethlisberger. Experts say the cow has a lot in common with Roethlisberger, including an affinity for staying in hotel rooms where the TV’s sound system allegedly doesn’t work.
NBA Technology
Former NBA star Rex Chapman was arrested in Arizona after allegedly shoplifting more than $14,000 in Apple products. In his defense, he was only trying to raise enough money to get the new iPhone 6 Plus.
Speaking of Apple products, Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is banning them from the organization. It’s moves like this that show he wants the team to Excel more than ever before.
Darko Milicic, former NBA draft bust, has reportedly decided to go into professional kickboxing. He’s already getting about as much praise for this move as Larry Brown has for not picking Carmelo second overall.
NHL Designs
The Washington Capitals have unveiled their new Winter Classic jerseys for the upcoming season. It combines the illustrious history of the D.C. franchise with a crest that looks like it belongs on the front of a middle-school dictionary.
Ducks forward Corey Perry was spotted serving beer during a preseason game at the Honda Center in Anaheim. Sources say that all the drinks Perry poured were like Bruce Boudreau’s mug shots: they both have a very small amount of head.
MLB Farewells
Some bad news for Derek Jeter: all those farewell gifts teams have given him over the course of the season could cost the shortstop $16,000 in taxes. He’s so worried about the financial ramifications that he’s already hired Wesley Snipes as legal counsel.
30-year-old Guilder Rodriguez got his first MLB hit after spending thirteen years playing in the minors. Just imagine waiting thirteen years for something you’ve always wanted – or, as my dad called it, sex after marriage.
NCAA Football Crab Legs
Florida State served visiting recruits crab legs during their game against Clemson this past weekend. I wonder if they did this just because Jameis Winston got them some great discounts at the local Publix.
AND FINALLY …
A high school in Arlington, Virginia wants Pope Francis to help exorcise their boys’ basketball program. The Pope turned them down sadly, telling the school that, “If my PR guy catches me in a room alone with dozens of underage boys, he’ll kill me”.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
Thank you for reading. Please take a moment to follow me on Twitter – @afishcalledmatt. Support LWOS by following us on Twitter – @LastWordOnSport – and “liking” our Facebook page.
Have you tuned into Last Word On Sports Radio? LWOS is pleased to bring you 24/7 sports radio to your PC, laptop, tablet or smartphone. What are you waiting for?
