Just like Ted Cruz writing bad Yelp reviews for a Mexican restaurant, it’s great to be back this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past week in the world of professional sports.
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NFL SUSPENSIONS
Ray Rice was only suspended two games for beating his wife earlier this year. The NFL is defending their decision, saying that they reserve longer suspensions for more severe offenses, such as smoking marijuana recreationally in the privacy of your own home.
There’s an added dimension to this punishment that I didn’t see coming: according to sources close to Rice, every time he rides an elevator in the future, he must be accompanied by Solange Knowles.
Chip Kelly thinks the overhyped draft night is the worst part of the NFL season. The second-worst part: trying to understand what the hell Shannon Sharpe is saying during the halftime show.
Drew Brees was the subject of a random drug test after he said he’d like to play when he’s 45. He said he only uses drugs to help him with things that aren’t football-related, like getting an erection.
Texans running back Arian Foster gave the same answer 11 times in a 90-second interview. I’ve never heard a guy repeat himself so much since Peyton Manning decided to tell everyone what his favorite Nebraska town was at the line of scrimmage.
MLB INDUCTIONS
This year’s Hall of Fame ceremony was full of memorable moments. For example, Joe Torre’s induction speech lasted almost a half-hour. In fact, it was so off-putting and nonsensical that most people thought he had hired Michael Jordan as his head writer.
Tony LaRussa also said that Cooperstown should include individuals who’ve used steroids during their career. I don’t think baseball should go out of their way to bestow accolades on guys who have knowingly cheated to win – I mean, this isn’t the Tour De France.
NBA JERSEY BURNING
A Los Angeles judge ruled against Donald Sterling on Monday and okayed the sale of the Clippers to Steve Ballmer for $2 billion. This marked a first for Sterling – it’s the first time he’s ever hated white people.
Kendall Jenner was spotted flirting with Dallas Mavericks forward Chandler Parsons over dinner in LA. This is new, uncharted territory for her – I mean, if she continues down this path, she’s liable to become the first Kardashian to make a sex tape with a white guy.
A Cleveland newspaper has rejected an anti-LeBron ad that was submitted by Heat fans. The paper’s management said people in Miami have way too much time on their hands, to which they replied, “Duh, it’s not like we go to the games or anything”.
Speaking of LeBron James, he has confirmed that he will wear 23 as his number next season. Insiders say he’s doing so because he wants to show people how much regret you can feel when you burned one of his old Cavaliers jerseys.
SOCCER SCANDALS
Deadspin is reporting that workers who helped build FIFA’s World Cup headquarters in Qatar haven’t been paid in a year. I’m being told that, if FIFA continues to stall and avoid giving money to individuals who really NEED it, they’ll be forced to start calling themselves “United States Congress”.
A friendly between Real Madrid and Roma was delayed Tuesday night after fans started to rush the field. There were so many ethnic backgrounds under the same room that Ted Cruz tried to send in the National Guard.
NHL CUP PARTIES
Actor Seth Rogan drank beer out of the Stanley Cup while on stage at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal Saturday night. The only thing that could’ve made that moment even more Canadian: another Rob Ford crack joke.
AND FINALLY …
A 25-year-old chemical engineering student from Sherbrooke, Quebec, Canada was crowned the World’s Fittest Woman at the Reebok CrossFit Games. She’s what every man dreams of: a woman who’s smart, attractive and able to physically snap you in half if you forget to take the garbage out.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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