Just like Rick Perry riding in a border patrol squad car with a megaphone, it’s great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past week in the world of professional sports:
FOS July 24 by Cmd Beaker on Mixcloud
NFL Quotes
Former NFL coach Tony Dungy says that he wouldn’t have drafted Michael Sam because he wouldn’t want to “deal with” the distractions. When asked what defensive player he’d rather have on his team, Dungy replied “Miami safety Don Jones”.
Dungy moved to clarify his remarks Tuesday, insisting that his remarks in no way make him a homophobe. Even Donald Sterling read that and went, “Dude, just give up”.
Fortunately, it seems that Dungy will be disciplined for his recent comments. I hear he’s already been cast as the lead in “Brokeback Mountain 2”.
Jon Bon Jovi has gone on record saying that he wants to keep the Bills in Buffalo. Fans are really hopeful that he’ll buy the team – that way, he won’t have any money left to make another shitty album.
SOCCER Breaks
A piece of the World Cup trophy was broken off during a homeland celebration held by the German National Team. Manager Joachim Löw was quoted as saying, “That’s the last time we invite Suarez to one of our parties”.
According to this year’s list issued by Forbes, Real Madrid is the world’s most valuable sports team with a net worth of $3.4 billion. Just to give you an idea of how much money that is, take the amount of money the Brazilian goalkeeper makes per save, and add $3.4 billion.
NHL Robberies
Former NHL enforcer Patrick Cote recently confessed to robbing two banks in Quebec, Canada. In light of this severe criminal activity, police have charged him with impersonating an NFL player.
Mike Modano puzzled fans this week when he took to Twitter and asked “Where’s Ronald Reagan?” His followers informed him that the former President has been dead for ten years, just like Dany Heatley’s career.
NBA Burgers
LeBron James took to Instagram this week to ask his followers what number he should wear as a Cavalier. Pat Riley replied, saying “not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 …”
Speaking of LeBron, a minor league baseball team in Akron, Ohio has added a new burger to their stadium menu in his honor. Sports Illustrated even published a full-length article about it that no one saw coming.
Kevin Durant was recently photographed having brunch with Justin Bieber. It was an afternoon full of laughs, engaging conversation, and Durant’s PR people going, “What the hell’s he doing hanging out with Justin Bieber?”
MLB Freebies
A strip club in New York is offering all Yankees players free lap dances on the same day the team will honor Jeter in front of their home fans. New York strippers and Yankees players have a lot in common: they’re overpaid underachievers who are constantly using illegal drugs.
In a recent survey, only 14 percent of Americans prefer watching Major League Baseball over the NFL. Commissioner Bud Selig has already devised a way to improve these numbers: recruit fatter players who wear tighter pants.
The second-annual Citi Field Sleepover was held this past weekend. For $200, you get to pitch a tent on the field, play catch with other Mets fans, and lie to your spouse about why you skipped her friend’s dinner party.
PGA Champs
Rory McIlroy won this year’s British Open with a combined17-under par score. This proves one thing: men can do great things, but only when they’re not trying to plan a wedding.
Rory’s dad is also set to collect over $300,000 because he bet his son would win the British Open by the age of 25. The last time a parent made that kind of money off of their kid’s success, Kris Jenner was in the delivery room asking nurses to wash off their “newest cast member”.
AND FINALLY…
The Warwick women’s rowing team had photos from their nude calendar temporality removed from Facebook for being “inappropriate”. I think Facebook is making a mistake – if you want to generate traffic on your website, aren’t pictures of naked women supposed to help?
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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