Just like Mel Gibson at a KKK convention, it’s great to be back. In case you missed them, here are the stories that made headlines during the past week in the world of professional sports:
WORLD CUP BLOWOUTS
Host nation Brazil was eliminated from the World Cup in embarrassing fashion, losing 7-1 in their semi-final match against Germany. Every American fan who tuned in to the game had the same question: “Hey, which receiver caught that touchdown pass?”
Statisticians are saying it’s been thirty-nine years since Brazil lost a competitive match on home soil. Frankly, I’m shocked – statisticians thought that game was competitive.
Seriously, you know that it’s a low moment in your country’s sports history when Brazil is now considered the Leon Spinks of international soccer.
The other semi-final saw Argentina win via penalties against the Netherlands. It proved to be a much cagier, more tightly-contested match that saw offensive struggles from both sides – I mean, I hadn’t seen this kind of inability to score since I went to my first party as a college freshman.
NBA WAITING GAME
LeBron James has yet to decide where he will play next season. He only seems interested in teams that will give him a legitimate chance to win, which means there is only one possible outcome: James will play soccer for the German National Team.
The current rumor says that Carmelo Anthony will stay in New York with the Knicks. When asked about his reasoning, Anthony replied, “The bedbugs do wonders for my reflexes”.
Former Bulls player Jay Williams recently tweeted that Justin Bieber was “changing lives”. When asked to describe the change, Williams said, “When I heard his latest single, I went from loving today’s music to valuing my hearing a lot more”.
NFL PARTIES
Johnny Manziel was photographed rolling up a dollar bill in a Las Vegas bathroom over the weekend. The Cleveland Browns took swift action, and forced the quarterback to change his nickname to “Johnny Eightball”.
NHL LATTES
Wayne Gretzky has joined a group that is looking to bring an NHL team to Seattle. The Great One says he’s excited about all that the Emerald City has to offer – in other words, he just wants to get free samples of that new Starbucks latte.
Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks have both signed identical extensions that will average out to $10.5 million per season. Just to give you an idea of how much money that is, Kane can now afford the bail money to have several million more altercations with Buffalo cab drivers.
MLB NAP TIME
A Yankees fan that was caught on camera sleeping in the stands during an ESPN broadcast is now suing the network for $10 million. I think this is a little excessive – I mean, if sleeping in public is all of a sudden worth that much, then my high school science teacher owes me a lot of money.
In anticipation of the upcoming All-Star game, Target Field in Minneapolis now has self-serve beer machines for baseball fans. It combines everyone’s two favorite activities at a ballpark: paying exorbitant prices for alcohol and pretending you’re standing at an ATM.
TENNIS HOTTIES
Novac Djokovic outlasted Roger Federer in a thrilling five-set match to win his second Wimbledon title. When asked if there’s any chance he loses the tournament next year, the former’s coach told reporters, “You must be Djokoving”.
With that win, Djokovic regains his World #1 ranking, while UK-native Andy Murray drops all the way to 10th. If this trend continues, Murray’s stay in the Top 10 of ATP’s rankings could be shorter than a Joan Rivers interview with CNN.
On the women’s side, Eugenie Bouchard came up short in her first career Grand Slam final. Despite this, she has everything a man could ask for: stunning good looks, unparalleled athleticism, and a huge silver plate for your nachos when you watch the game.
AND FINALLY…
In a game from the Under-19 IFAF World Championship (American Football is the sport), Canada beat host country Kuwait by a score of 91-0. I’ll admit, when I first saw this, I thought it was a huge mistake – kind of like when George Clooney was cast as Batman.
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