Just like Kate Upton standing in front of a mirror, it feels so good to be back this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines this past week in the world of pro sports:
WORLD CUP SOCCER
The United States have been eliminated from the World Cup. In response, President Obama could only point to one reason for the defeat: he didn’t offer the referee enough bribe money.
On a happier note for American fans, US goalkeeper Tim Howard made more saves than any tournament keeper in 50 years. I haven’t seen that many balls get so close to grown man’s face since Elton John showed me some of his home movies.
As a country, the US lost an estimated $628 million from workers who watched the tilt against Belgium. Never has pretending to be interested in something cost the States so much money, but only if you don’t count the first Iraq war.
As for other quarterfinalists, Argentina is through to the last eight, but countryman Maradonna is not happy with the national team’s play thus far. He thinks they should be using their hands more when heading the ball.
NBA
In a bizarre move, Jason Kidd has exited his job with the Nets and will be the new head coach of the Bucks. Milwaukee’s front office told reporters that he’ll fit in perfectly at the Bradley Center – many of their drunken fans have a habit of spilling drinks courtside too.
More bad news for the Nets this week as it was revealed that the team lost $144 million this past season. Just to give you an idea of how much that is, take the amount of money you might pay Dr. Oz to give you sound medical advice about diet supplements and add $144 million.
NHL
Flyers captain Claude Giroux was arrested on Canada Day for allegedly grabbing a male police officer’s buttocks. Giroux is defending his actions, saying that he only did it because the cop bore an uncanny resemblance to Scott Hartnell.
I honestly feel bad for Giroux – the one time he does a solid backcheck, and he spends a night in jail for it.
In other news, the Washington Capitals spent nearly $70 million combined to sign Brooks Orpik and Matt Niskanen away from the Pittsburgh Penguins. It’s just like that old saying: out with the old, in with the what-the-hell-are-you-doing-with-the-team’s-salary?
NFL
Tony Romo says he’s giving up golf in order to save his playing career. I’ve got a better idea of how he can save himself: play quarterback somewhere other than Dallas.
Speaking of saving things, a police officer stopped a crazed homeless man from killing Michael Strahan on the set of Good Morning America this week. I’m shocked frankly – GMA has a cop on site that’s big enough to subdue Warren Sapp.
Johnny Manziel was photographed hanging out with Justin Bieber at the latter’s house in Beverly Hills. If he was any smarter, he wouldn’t hang with such a stuck-up, entitled partyboy – seriously Justin, choose your company more wisely.
TENNIS
Canadian Eugenie Bouchard has advanced to her first Grand Slam final at Wimbledon. I haven’t seen this many people excited for a Canadian woman furthering her career since Pamela Anderson started jogging down beaches in slow motion.
BASEBALL
Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is being sued by several lawyers over unpaid legal fees from the Biogenesis case. The plaintiffs are calling Rodriguez’s actions “a major cheap shot”, while Rodriguez retorted by saying, “Nothing could be further from the truth – none of the shots I bought were ever cheap”.
AND FINALLY …
Texas A&M are suing a fan group from Buffalo for infringing on their “12th Man” trademark. Co-founded by one Charles Sonntag, a double amputee who lives on a monthly disability check that’s less than a thousand dollars, the infringement came when the phrase was put in the domain of a website that houses a petition that could help prevent the Bills from leaving town. Further to that, no one in the group behind the site profits from this venture in any way. The university is pursuing legal action even after the phrase was changed on the group’s site (now http://www.billsfanthunder.com), asking for all promotional posters in and around the city be taken down (namely by Sonntag, a man in a wheelchair with one arm and one leg) and demanding that the domain name be turned over to the university. This proves that the Aggies school officials, who pulled in half-a-million dollars in football-related revenue this year, might just be the scum of the earth, and that A&M must stand for arseholes & a four-syllable word that starts with ‘mother’ and ends … well … you can probably guess how
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