Just like a Kardashian sister about to do a topless photo shoot, I’m feeling so happy to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here’s what’s been making news this past week in the world of professional sports:
SOCCER – WORLD CUP EXCITEMENT
The World Cup finally began on Thursday. At some point over the next month, fans will be glued to their local broadcasts of the matches and think, “How the hell is that stadium still under construction?”
Cabecao, a psychic turtle from Brazil, has picked the host nation as the winners of this year’s World Cup. He then immediately started his trek for Russia, so he could be on time for the next tournament prediction ceremony four years from now.
The New York Jets are photographed teaching members of the Portuguese World Cup team how to play American football. Christiano Ronaldo and co. still prefer the European version of football better – with that sport, at least you don’t have 350-pound men squeezing into tights once a week.
HORSE RACING DEPRESSION
A horse that pulls a carriage in New York City somehow got loose, started running wild through city streets and even crashed headlong into a taxi cab. I read that and realized California Chrome isn’t taking his loss at the Belmont Stakes too well.
NHL OUTRAGE
The Kings are one win away from hoisting their second Stanley Cup in three seasons. As a result, hockey is now the second-favorite pastime of Californians, right behind cosmetic surgery.
A Brazilian BBQ joint in Los Angeles has apologized via Facebook for inadvertently displayed “Hey Kings – Go F*** Yourselves” on their TVs. Fans were so outraged at the insensitive comments that the owner was forced to sell the establishment to Steve Ballmer for $2 billion.
NBA MADNESS
University of Kentucky coach John Calipari turned down over $60 million to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. The last time I saw a guy turn down a fortune to stay in Ohio, I kept thinking to myself, “This ‘Decision’ TV special crap was the biggest waste of time ever”.
Donald Sterling is calling the NBA a bunch of “hypocrites and bullies”. I really can’t argue with that one – I mean, who better to call out frauds and bigots than the racist white guy who told Anderson Cooper he’s definitely not a racist.
MLB TENTACLES
The Indians’ Lonnie Chisenhall went 5-for-5 with 3 HR and 9 RBI Monday night against Texas. He’s now projected to be Cleveland’s most beloved professional athlete, but only whenever Johnny Manziel isn’t playing.
Rockies outfielder Carlos Gonzalez had a “fatty mass with tentacles” removed from his finger via surgery. Team doctors are still mulling over one important health question: how the hell did Donald Trump get inside Gonzalez’s finger?
NFL LUXURY
The Jacksonville Jaguars will now sell poolside luxury seating at their stadium for $12,500 a game. I’m not sure about this – I mean, if you’re relaxing by a pool with a nice tropical drink in your hand, why ruin the moment by having to watch the Jaguars play?
The NFL’s requirements for a Super Bowl host city were leaked online this week, which include the right to all ticket-generated revenue, 35,000 free parking stadium spaces and the exclusive use of three 18-hole golf courses. In other words, Delaware is already out of the question.
Pittsburgh police seized over 1,500 bricks of heroin at the home a former Steelers player earlier this week. Officers told reporters that they hadn’t seen that many drugs in one place since that pool party at Michael Irvin’s house.
Colts owner Jim Irsay has agreed to participate in a series of random drug tests. When reached for comment, Irsay said, “Hey, doesn’t matter random drugs they want to bring me, I’ll test all of them!”
NCAAF VIDEO GAMES
The NCAA has settled a lawsuit with its players over video game royalties for $20 million. When asked what they were going to do with the payout, players responded, “Buy however many PS4 games we can get for $20 million”.
AND FINALLY …
Rory McIlroy has reportedly turned to Jack Nicklaus for advice on how to win the US Open. Nicklaus told him to follow Tiger Woods’ tried-and-true formula: have several porn stars meet you at your hotel room in between rounds.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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