Just like this New Zealand cat must be thinking, it’s great to be back! In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past week in the world of pro sports:
NBA – Draft Lottery winners
The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery for the second year in a row, and the third time in the last four years. It gives another opportunity for Cavs management to seize the spotlight and draft the team’s next great superstar that will leave them for Miami.
The early predictions have the Cavaliers drafting Canadian-born Andrew Wiggins with the pick. That would potentially give the team three Canadians in their starting lineup – or, if you apply the exchange rate – 2.76 American players.
Mallory Edens, daughter of Bucks owner Wes Edens, set Twitter ablaze during draft night. She gained nearly 10,000 followers in under an hour – at one point, even Jesus was like, “Damn, that was quick”.
Meanwhile, the Thunder look lost in their third-round series against the Spurs without Serge Ibaka. They have to stop allowing that much penetration – in other words, the opposite of what the matriarch on that show 19 Kids and Counting is doing.
NHL Woes
The Montreal Canadiens are in a huge hole in their third-round series against the New York Rangers after dropping the first two games at home. In Quebec, I believe the correct term is “le screwed”.
If the Habs are going to come back at all, they’re going to have to find a way to beat Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist. It’s a tough task; almost as tough as trying to stay alive when you share an elevator with Solange Knowles.
CSN Washington is reporting that Wayne Gretzky turned down an offer to be the new president of the Washington Capitals. This isn’t be the first time Gretzky has said no to leading a team full of great players from other countries – I mean, those press conference tears!
NFL Beers
A Browns fan has created a beer named after newly-minted quarterback Johnny Manziel. I hear the drink shares a lot of similarities with Manziel himself: it’s flashy, it shows a lot of potential, and if you drink enough of it, you’ll start having hallucinations and think you’ve got fistfuls of invisible money
Massachusetts police are looking to speak to Aaron Hernandez’s tattoo artists in order to gather evidence. The authorities say they found these individuals online at www.weinksociopaths.com.
36-year-old John Abraham says he wants to get “at least 20 sacks” for the Arizona Cardinals this season. It’s going to be tough for him to do – I mean, the only time I saw an older man knock more people to the ground was when grandpa insisted on taking his motorized wheelchair to the grocery store.
Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek stirred up a bit of controversy this week when he told a reporter he doesn’t think the Redskins should change their name. So, if Trebek himself was ever a clue on the show, the answer would be: “this game show host still thinks racial slurs can be the moniker for a pro sports team”.
MLB Bites
Dodgers catcher Miguel Olivo reportedly bit a part of team Alex Guerrero’s ear off during an altercation earlier this week. See, this is what I don’t like about Major League Baseball – good Mike Tyson impersonations get no respect from the media.
Here’s a weird way to end a game: Detroit closer Al Alburquerque gave up a bases-loaded walk in a 13th inning that ultimately handed an 11-10 victory to the Cleveland Indians. After the game, Alburquerque was awarded some compensation for his inability to throw the ball: an honorary Garo Yepremian tattoo.
Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija is now winless in 10 games despite having an ERA under 2.00. I mean, repeatedly getting out there, putting in the effort and still nothing to show for it – or, as it’s known around my house – my experience with women during college.
AND FINALLY …
Rory McIlroy has split from his fiancée Caroline Wozniacki just days after they sent out their wedding invitations. Insiders say that those close to Rory told him to focus on golf and screw everything else, because hey – the strategy worked out well for Tiger Woods.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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