Great to be back this week for another round of “Fish On Sports”. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines this week in the world of pro sports:
NBA Punishments
Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been hit with a lifetime ban from the league, as well as a $2.5 million dollar fine, after being caught on tape making racist remarks in a conversation with his girlfriend. There was so much anger and frustration surrounding Los Angeles basketball this week, you’d have thought the Lakers were still playing.
The incriminating audio indicates that Sterling tried to ban his girlfriend from bringing African American friends to any games with her. I mean how out of touch is this guy? That’s like banning male virgins from a Star Wars convention or Mormons from a party at Donny Osmond’s house.
Sterling took a beating in the press from many well-known celebrities – even Oprah Winfrey cut him down to size. I honestly haven’t heard Oprah sound this passionate since she was telling me about the cheesecake she ate last night.
Speaking of celebrities, boxer Floyd Mayweather is supposedly interested in purchasing the team. Although, if Manny Pacquiao also enters into those negotiations, don’t be surprised if Mayweather backs out.
NHL Records
The first round of the NHL playoffs is in the books. For many teams, it felt like a painful, gutsy war of attrition. For the San Jose Sharks, it felt more like the movie “Dazed and Confused”.
That’s right – the Los Angeles Kings made history by becoming only the fourth team to win a playoff series after losing the first three games. It’s the most shocking development to come out of California since former Governor Schwarzenegger said the state had “too many immigrants”.
For the Sharks, it’s yet another year where a promising beginning ends in bitter disappointment – kind of like the night I almost lost my virginity.
As a matter of fact, this year’s Sharks team has a lot in common with someone who’s never had sex: they have trouble scoring when it’s really needed.
Elsewhere, the Minnesota Wild won a thrilling Game 7 in overtime against Colorado. I really feel bad for the Avalanche – I mean, Semyon Varlamov’s parole officer was going to let him play for at least another month.
MLB Winners
Here’s a crazy stat: for the first time in over year, the Angels have a record over .500. The team is attributing the good start to their consistent plate performance, solid bullpen, and CJ Wilson finally reducing his Head and Shoulders usage.
Adrian Gonzalez of the Dodgers is one of the hottest players in baseball right now. Experts are saying it could be a vintage year for the slugger, but that means different things depending on what team you play on. Let’s say you played for the Yankees – a vintage year would mean playing like you did before you took up residence at the senior’s home.
NFL Draft News
According to recent insider reports, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are “strongly considering” drafting Johnny Manziel. After hearing the news, many Buccaneers fans reacted in the only logical fashion: uncontrollable vomiting.
After signing a brand contract with Californian brokerage firm Fantex, members of the public will be able to buy shares of Bills QB EJ Manuel. It’s hard to tell how much those shares will be worth long-term – I mean, if Manuel and Bills play like they did last year, the shares are only good to buy you a treat from the McDonalds Value Menu.
NCAAF Steals
Florida State’s Jameis Winston received a citation on Tuesday for allegedly shoplifting crab legs from Publix. See, this is why college athletes deserve salaries: all that television exposure, and these kids still can’t afford to pay anyone to switch off the store’s security cameras.
AND FINALLY …
An actress from the Ukraine is claiming that she’s had sex with a ghost twice. Pundits are calling these claims ridiculous, saying you can’t possibly have intimate relations with something that doesn’t exist – I mean, no one’s getting John Tortorella’s future coaching prospects pregnant, are they?
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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Main Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images
