You know the drill – it’s another work week in the books, I’m supposed to say how great it is to be back, and yadda yadda yadda. But the most important part? In case you missed them, here’s what’s been making headlines this past week in the world of pro sports:
NHL Battles
The NHL playoffs are in full swing, and so far we’ve all learned one thing: Game 1’s were not kind to male genitalia.
Milan Lucic was fined $5,000 for spearing an opponent’s groin in their Game 1 tilt against the Red Wings. This pales in comparison to Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, who was fined $25,000 from grabbing his man bits during their series opener against the St. Louis Blues. Who knew it was more expensive to have your own junk be the center of attention rather than someone else’s?
Lucic says he’s “only” taken swipes at three sets of crown jewels in his playing career. Those swipes probably could’ve been more deadly, but Lorena Bobbitt refused to continue giving him private how-to lessons.
How about my hometown Montreal Canadiens and their first-round sweep of the Lightning? I mean, the last time I saw Quebecers get this excited, a restaurant around the corner from my place was giving out free samples of poutine.
CBC’s Ron MacLean drew the ire of the Habs faithful this week when he implied that francophone referees created an on-ice bias during the series. Let’s be honest: this is one of those things you really shouldn’t say even if it’s true – it’s kind of like telling Jesus that the wine at his wedding was a little watery.
Penguins captain Sidney Crosby is the NHL’s most Googled player in the United States. Fans are using the search engine to look at his stats, watch in-game highlights of him, and to try and find where the hell his playoff scoring touch has gone.
NBA Curses
Raptors GM Masai Ujiri has come under fire for saying “F*** Brooklyn” during a pep rally prior to Toronto’s series-opening loss to the Brooklyn Nets this past Saturday. I’m shocked frankly – I mean, people still have pep rallies?
Lots of basketball pundits think that Ujiri should be subject to a heavy fine, but I think they’re overreacting a little. I mean, if you fined every black guy who’s ever sworn into a microphone, the rap industry wouldn’t have any cash flow.
Gregg Popovich took home some league hardware this week, winning Coach of the Year. That makes it three times he’s won the award without ever smiling during a game.
Knick owner James Dolan is reportedly already clashing with his new front office addition Phil Jackson. Turns out that they have fundamentally different views – Dolan wants to retain as much of his current personnel as possible and Jackson actually wants to win a game next season.
NCAAF Orders
Iowa Hawkeyes assistant coach Eric Johnson is reportedly leaving the team so he can open his own family restaurant in Tennessee. That’s how bad the Hawkeyes are – he’d rather use a headset to take people orders than to converse with the rest of his coaching staff.
NFL Splits
The Seattle Seahawks have confirmed that quarterback Russell Wilson has filed from divorce from his wife of two years. Just goes to show all your amateur general managers out there: you can’t entice everyone to pick up that third year option.
MLB Birthdays
The Chicago Cubs created some controversy this week when they failed to invite Sammy Sosa to the ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field’s first home game. I don’t think this is the right approach. I mean, when you’ve admitted to using PEDs, you shouldn’t be left off of guest lists; on the contrary – you should be booking an exclusive sit-down interview with Oprah Winfrey.
AND FINALLY …
A recent survey has crowned Chicago the funniest city in America. It even extends to the sports world – I mean, have you seen the Bulls trying to run their offensive sets lately? It’s hilarious!
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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