After a week off while my good friend Kyle Willoughby did me the honor of guest-hosting the blog, it is especially great to be back for another round of iffy jokes this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making waves in the world of professional sports during this past week:
PGA GOLF – Bubba Wins
The Masters was played this past weekend at the legendary Augusta National. Honestly, I watched so much golf without my pants on during that time that my friends thought I was in my sixties.
American Bubba Watson won this year’s tournament, making it his second green jacket in the past three years. It’s the only time you’re going to see a group old, rich, uppity white guys compliment a dude named Bubba.
Let’s be real though – Bubba did very well, and is a complete fan favorite, but I still think his work in Forrest Gump is kind of overrated.
NHL –
The NHL playoffs are finally here. That’s right – it’s time for hockey fans to kick back, crack open a cold one, and make fun of the Leafs for not qualifying for the postseason.
Wednesday’s tilt between Montreal and Tampa Bay was particularly exciting. The Canadiens managed nearly fifty shots on goal as the road team and kept Lightning goaltender Anders Lindback busier than Justin Bieber’s legal team.
Speaking of excitement, the Dallas Stars nearly came back from a four-goal deficit in their opening game of the playoffs against the Ducks. The effort was there, but they just couldn’t the result they wanted – kind of like what happened to me on my prom night.
For what it’s worth, the team that wins Game 1 ends up winning the series 68.7% of the time. Just to give you an idea of how much that is, take the percentage of Cher’s hair that isn’t a wig and add 68.7%.
NBA
The NBA playoff matchups are also set, with first round action tipping off on Saturday. You can tell it’s crunch time for the league’s elite – I mean, Mark Cuban just finished giving his squad trash-talking lessons.
The San Antonio Spurs clinched the best regular season record in the NBA over the weekend. It finally proves that older men can do exactly what younger men can do – they just need to make sure their Cialis dosage is correct before attempting anything.
Congratulations to the Toronto Raptors, who finished the regular season with the best record in franchise history. When asked what their secrets to success was, coach Dwayne Casey said hard work, making the extra pass on offense, and playing well enough so Drake doesn’t write a sad rap song about them.
NFL
Chris Johnson has reportedly arrived in New York “ready for a new challenge”. That challenge? Participate in an offensive series for the Jets that doesn’t end in a turnover.
Speaking of New York disasters (that was a risky segue way wasn’t it?), Donald Trump is supposedly interested in buying an NFL team. In fact, he also said that the winner of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice will be his starting quarterback.
There’s a new dating website out there that’s solely devoted to fans of the Green Bay Packers. According to inside sources, the most common romantic interests were candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and being seen in public wearing ridiculous cheese hats.
NCAAF
An organization focused on the separation of church and state sent a letter to Clemson’s athletic department claiming that they “promote too much religious activity”. I’m kind of in agreement – just look at Tim Tebow for instance: all that praying and God still didn’t give him an NFL career.
AND FINALLY …
Triple-A baseball clubs in Lehigh and Pawtucket will wear police and firefighter uniforms respectively on April 25th. They’re not playing baseball, however – they’re auditioning to be extras in Magic Mike 2.
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