As Whitney Houston once said: AND IIIIIIIIII WILLLLL AAAALLLLWAAAAAAAYYYYYSSS BE happy to return again this week. In case you missed them, here’s what’s been making news this week in the world of pro sports:
NHL
The NHL GM meetings are going on this week in Boca Raton, Fla. It’s one of the only towns in North America where residents are fast asleep by 5 pm – just like the Vancouver Canucks defense.
Yep, the claws are out in the Vancouver after the team gave up seven goals in the third period against the Islanders Monday night. I mean, the last time I saw something disappear that quickly without warning, I was about to book a flight with a Malaysian airline.
This latest debacle has put a lot of the blame squarely on Canucks John Tortorella’s shoulders and has raised questions about his job security. See, I think Torts has a lot in common with people who live in Boca Raton – he wears glasses, yells at everyone who approaches him but no one seems to hear him.
In better news, doctors were able to save Rich Peverley’s life after he collapsed on the Stars’ bench due to a heart condition. Peverley was also told he won’t be playing the remainder of the regular season – or as every Buffalo Sabre calls it, “my dream job”.
A Tim Horton’s that opened in Phoenix is giving away two tickets to a Coyotes game per purchase. That’s right – buy a medium coffee and you get to be part of the fifty people who normally go to Coyotes’ games FOR FREE!
NBA
Phil Jackson has accepted a significant front office role with the Knicks. His first order of business? Purchase a lot more hallucinogenic drugs to dull the pain of his new workdays.
Speaking of the Knicks, the franchise is purchasing its own D-League and will let their fans come up with the team name. The most popular choice so far? “The Future Underachievers”.
Here’s a quick injury update: Cavaliers rookie Anthony Bennett will be out three weeks with an undisclosed upper-body ailment. The rumor is he tweaked his back while carrying all those huge expectations on his shoulders.
Staying with injuries, Kobe Bryant’s games lost to various ailments have cost the Lakers $28 million this season. The only way to waste more money in Los Angeles? Plan a Kardashian wedding.
MLB
The new Major League season begins in just over a week’s time and there’s already a lot of pressure on the league’s most valued assets. Not the players of course, but the dealers who give them all steroids.
This year, the Dodgers and Diamondbacks will kick off the regular season in Australia. This means die-hard fans will have to watch that game starting at 4:00 am on the East Coast. I don’t think it’s a big deal though – I mean, is there a sport that’s better at lulling you back to sleep when you wake up way before you’re supposed to on a weekend?
Even though he signed with Atlanta, pitcher Ervin Santana was reportedly offered 100 free pizzas if he signed with the Toronto Blue Jays. Their hope was that, if he ate all of them before September, he’ll turn into C.C. Sabathia in time for the playoffs.
The Giants Triple-A affiliate in Fresno will wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles uniforms on August 2nd. It’s all part of their new promotion: “Bring Your 30-Year-Old-Son-Who-Still-Lives-In-Your-Basement To The Ballpark Day”.
NCAAB
NCAA basketball officials are blaming fan court rushing after regional tournament games on the fact that many stadiums serve alcohol. Let’s be honest though – it’s not booze that make college students unruly and stupid, it’s college students that make college students unruly and stupid.
WORLD CUP OF SOCCER
Brazil’s World Cup stadium in Manaus, the venue for England’s opening-game showdown with Italy, has been labelled “horrific” by personnel involved with a test run earlier this week. In fact, the only that would turn fans away faster would be a shirtless Mario Balotelli celebration.
AND FINALLY …
This has nothing to do with sports, but technology from this year’s SXSW festival lets you print Oreos in 3D. It’s a marriage of America’s two favorite things: obesity and starting at our smartphones.
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