Great to be back once again this week. In case you missed them, here’s are the items that have been making news this past week in the world of pro sports:
SOCHI OLYMPICS
Well the Olympics are finally over. Sochi officials can finally sit back, relax and stop answering questions from reporters about all the sex people were having in the athlete’s village.
I mean, of course the competitors are going to get busy every chance they get. What are their options? Do it for the fourth time that night or continue watching curling semi-finals? Seems like an easy choice to me …
Russia ended the Olympics with the most medals overall. Or, as Vladimir Putin put it, “looks like the judges all got my death threats”.
The preparation for the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea is already underway. The IOC is looking to avoid any major mishaps, so they’ve already set aside an entire boxful of eye drops for Bob Costas.
NBA
Jason Collins of the Nets became the first openly gay player to participate in a regular season game last Sunday. This is something the league can rally around – they finally have someone in the locker room that won’t try and make a sex tape with a Kardashian sister.
In other New York basketball news, Raymond Felton was arrested for allegedly holding someone at gunpoint. According to him, it’s the only way you can get J.R. Smith to pass you the ball.
New NBA commissioner Adam Silver is trying to crack down on poor officiating. He says he’s doing it so the league will become a better place – I mean, they won’t have to hear another Mark Cuban sound bite ever again.
A film adaptation is in the works about Dennis Rodman’s excursions of North Korea. I hope I’m not too late with a title: “Dennis Visits the Menace”.
MLB
Seattle catcher Jesus Montero showed up to a Mariners spring training session forty pounds over his target weight. His teammates have reportedly introduced him to a woman who can help him in a big way: her name is Jenny Craig.
Seahawks QB Russell Wilson will be in uniform for a Rangers spring training game in the coming days. This answers one question about the Texas franchise: they definitely don’t have a minimum height requirement.
The Toronto Blue Jays debuted images for limited-edition “I ♥ BJs” team apparel online. It seems fitting – I mean, Toronto fans have seen a lot of teams that suck and blow (leads after six innings), why wouldn’t they enjoy a BJ?
San Diego has a new promotion going on where they’ll give away a pair of season tickets to someone who can hit a homerun. Isn’t this kind of waste? I mean, if the Padres found someone who can actually go yard at Petco, wouldn’t they want that person batting fourth in their lineup instead?
NFL
The NFL is considering instituting a fifteen-yard penalty for using racial slurs on the field. If this happens, I think you’re going to see a lot of teams do the same thing to remain competitive: forcibly remove their players’ vocal chords.
Recently fired Miami Dolphins trainer Kevin O’Neill was recently named Trainer of the Year. It was because of him that no infectious diseases entered the team’s locker room – well, except for Jonathan Martin that is.
Johnny Manziel clocked an impressive official time of 4.68 seconds at the combine’s 40-yard dash. When asked how he was able to run that fast, his agent said, “just put some fake money at the finish line”.
FIFA
A Kenyan soccer CEO confirmed that nearly all African players in world football lie about their age. That’s right – every time they show their passports to team officials, it’s like a middle-aged woman celebrating her birthday.
AND FINALLY …
A Las Vegas hockey team playing in the ECHL will begin playing their home games on the roof of the Plaza Hotel and Casino beginning in November. Critics are saying it’s the worst thing to be put on a hotel since Donald Trump’s name.
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