Well, I survived that snoozer of a Super Bowl, so it’s especially great to back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the headlines that have been making news in the world of pro sports this week:
NFL – WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
A recent study shows that US states who have legalized marijuana have also drastically lowered the suicide rate for men under the age of forty. The people happiest to hear this news? Peyton Manning’s family.
Of course, I’m sure most of you know that the Broncos lost big 43-8 Sunday night. Even President Obama was impressed, saying that the only thing more overpowering than Seattle’s defense is Chris Christie at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The story everyone’s focusing on was the inability of the Broncos to put points on the board. According to researchers here at LWOS, the only man who had more trouble finishing a play than Peyton Manning did Sunday night was Abraham Lincoln.
Seriously though, I’d like to congratulate Seattle for winning the city’s first pro sports championship since the Sonics won in 1979. Finally, the Seahawks managed to live up to a team that left town five years ago.
For me, the most exciting part of the Super Bowl broadcast was the halftime show. With his quick feet, great sense of timing and ability to lead a group of men in synchronized motion, the Broncos think Bruno Mars would be a great fit for their offensive line.
SOCHI OLYMPICS – ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
More bad news for the US Olympic team: Shaun White has dropped out of the slopestyle event a day after he said he found the course “intimidating”. I’m confused – when the US finds something progressive and challenging, doesn’t it usually result in counter-legislation from the Republican Party?
The Jamaican bobsled team has arrived in Sochi, but their equipment is apparently still stuck in transit. Customs officials say they’re receiving a lot of angry phone calls from the ghost of John Candy.
Contrary to reports that have been in the news this week, Russian organizers say that they’ve definitely finished construction on their Olympic village hotels. The only thing they’re still working on? Allowing two consenting male adults to sleep in the same hotel room.
CBC incumbent Don Cherry will be celebrating his 80th birthday in Russia. Now, Don Cherry and Russia are very different: one is a cold, imposing entity that has difficulty tolerating people from other countries; and the other is Russia.
NBA – SAVE ME
After a much-maligned start to the season, Jason Kidd was named the NBA’s Coach of the Month for January. Not only that, the top of his head is being called the team’s lone bright spot.
Speaking of New York basketball coaches, the word from reliable insiders is that Mike Woodson could be fired before the trade deadline. They’re looking to bring in someone who can solve the team’s most pressing issue: J.R. Smith’s ability to suit up for games.
The Cleveland Cavaliers continue to struggle mightily in the standings. In fact, they’re having so much trouble scoring that people keep mistaking their team for the Broncos offense.
Here’s an intriguing development: Tracy McGrady is drawing interest from several minor league baseball teams as a relief pitcher. If this is true, potential managers would have to ask themselves some tough questions, such as: how long do you leave this guy out on the mound if he picks up his fifth foul?
NHL – THE SHOW MUST GO ON
A report out of Boston suggests that an outdoor between the Bruins and Canadiens at Gilette Stadium could be a go next season. Bruins coach Claude Julien think the venue could give his team a huge advantage, but only if they reinstall Belichick’s camera system.
Speaking of outdoor games, the soon-to-be-rebranded Phoenix Coyotes are in the hunt to participate in one next year as well. Supposedly, they’re looking to play in the one place where the Coyotes would draw a big crowd – Gary Bettman’s dreams.
A new promotion at Florida Panthers’ games will allow you get into the game for free if you bring ten dollars’ worth of non-winning lottery tickets. I think that’s very smart – I mean, who really wants to waste their money twice in one day?
AND FINALLY …
Rapper DMX is set to fight George Zimmerman in a boxing match. Oddsmakers already have DMX as the favorite, but only if he doesn’t wear a hoodie.
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