After a brief hiatus, it’s great to be back this week. Hopefully, these jokes are funnier than that Justin Bieber mugshot … but I guess I’m aiming a bit too high with that one. Anyways, here’s what’s been making news during the past week in the world of pro sports:
NFL – SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Of course, we have our two teams that will compete in the Super Bowl on February 2. Incidentally, both teams are from states that have legalized marijuana. So, if you thought snacks were an important part of Super Bowl parties in years past …
After their victory against the 49ers, Seahawks defender Richard Sherman launched into a cringe-worthy post-game rant against comments made by Michael Crabtree. People are applauding Erin Andrews for her “bravery”, but come on – it’s not like she hasn’t heard a professional athlete give a completely incoherent response to an interview question before.
Tigers ace Justin Verlander tweeted that, if Sherman played baseball, he’d likely receive a “high and tight” fastball. Based on stats though, Sherman would probably pick that off too.
This year’s Super Bowl will also be about Peyton Manning cementing his legacy as one of the NFL’s all-time great players. And, if they keep using the same audible scheme, it will also cement Ohama’s legacy as one of the all-time great cities ever used in a play call.
Peyton’s Omaha calls against the Patriots actually resulted in nearly $25,000 dollars in donations to help at-risk youth. And by at-risk youth, I mean the intern who forgot to turn Bill Belicheck’s spy cameras on.
NHL – CRAZY NIGHTS
Canucks coach John Tortorella was suspended for six games after trying to push his way into the Calgary Flames dressing room after the first period of last Saturday’s game. I don’t blame Tortorella – the way Vancouver is playing, I’d want to integrate myself into another team too.
Bob Hartley was also fined $25,000 for his role in the Canucks-Flames shenanigans. Hartley was actually pleased with this decision, saying “if it only costs that much to shut Tortorella up for two weeks, count me in”.
Edmonton Oilers owner Daryl Katz wrote an open letter to the team’s fans urging them to be “patient with the team’s process”. When asked about the process, Katz said that the team will only be competitive when the organization figures out how to do one thing: invent time travel and bring the 1988 Oilers back to play for them next year.
NBA – HOTTER THAN HELL
Kevin Durant is playing incredibly well right now. This past week alone, he scored an NBA season-high 54 points and is currently riding a streak of nine straight games where he’s scored at least 30. At this point, the only thing he still needs to win a championship is a healthy pair of knees for Russell Westbrook.
KD even got a new nickname this week when Twitter crowned him the “Slim Reaper”. I don’t really think it fits – I mean, if they want to refer to something thin and dead-looking, how about the Lakers roster?
Speaking of the Lakers, Kobe Bryant blasted the NCAA system for “not teaching players anything”. Let’s be real though – what Kobe really means by “anything” is “how to pass to me”.
NCAAB – GOT TO CHOOSE
Dick Vitale made headlines this week by live-tweeting a Billy Joel concert. Apparently, he had trouble remembering the words to songs that didn’t use the word “baby” multiple times.
MLB – NEW YORK GROOVE
Coveted Japanese pitcher Masahiro Tanaka has decided to sign a 7-year, $155 million deal with the Yankees. Just to give you an idea of how much money that is, take the money A-Rod spent on steroids and subtract $200 million.
Yes indeed, Alex Rodriguez is still mired in a swamp of legal action. He recently told reporters that the prospect of never stepping on a baseball field again hit him like a swift shot in the ass.
AND FINALLY…
Something to warm your heart now: watch as this kid with a minor developmental disability hits a great game winner for his school team. Go get it young man.
