Largely thanks to Luis Suarez, this Premier League season has produced moments of sheer magic. So, with that being said, it would be fitting to reminisce and deliberate the greatest goals, classiest assists, the finest saves and the unforgettable encounters. However, we have decided to do the opposite. The Premiership has been running for well over 20 years, and in that time we have witnessed some truly awful players. Unluckily for us footy fans, for every ridiculously talented Thierry Henry or Cristiano Ronaldo, there’s a preposterously hopeless Eric Djemba Djemba or Francis Jeffers waiting for their opportunity to show up, do next to nothing, and collect a big fat pay cheque for doing……. Well, make us laugh (or cry).
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Now, let’s look at the EPL’s worst ever XI. Think Dream Team, but substitute “dream” with the word “nightmare”.
Goalkeeper: Massimo Taibi
After a somewhat wary reflection, I managed to narrow the list of contenders down to an exclusive list consisting of just one name. Best remembered for that extraordinary howler against Southampton, (the one where Matt Le Tissier’s shot was moving about as quick as Martin Demichelies on crutches, yet the ball still managed to cross the line) Taibi was a truly atrocious keeper. Hilariously, the Premiership’s worst ever keeper was seen as a perfect replacement for the Premier League’s greatest ever keeper, Peter Schmeichel. It wasn’t long before Taibi earned the nickname The Blind Venetian. Blind or not, he went on to make an astounding four appearances for United before Fergie gave up and sold him to Italian club, Reginna.
Right back: Pascal Cygan
Yes, I know, The Frenchman wasn’t a conventional right back, but Cygan wasn’t conventional in any sense. As dependable as a chocolate microwave, Cygan’s sheer awfulness earns a place in this team. Mercilessly ridiculed, without a second of respite, Cygan was mocked by the Arsenal faithful and… well, about every Premiership fan imaginable. The Frank Drebin of professional football, Cygan had that unbelievable knack of always doing the most inappropriate thing at the most inappropriate of times.
Centre back: Titus Bramble
The butt of one too many Premier League jokes, Bramble seemed to possess about as much defensive aptitude as a blind tortoise. Liable to “switch off” at any moment, his ability to concentrate and focus was always brought into question. A decade ago, in a survey given to critics, pundits etc, Bramble was voted the Worst Premier League Player of the Season. It is rather sad; Bramble was a real prospect when he started his career at Ipswich Town. But just when he began a decent run of form, Titus would inexplicably commit a calamitous blunder, imploding on the field of play.
Centre back: Jean Alain Boumsong
Oh Graeme Souness, you might have been a fantastic player, but you can never be forgiven for dropping £8 million on Boumsong. 8 months after signing for Rangers on a free, good old Graeme decided to instigate this farcical move. Honestly, Boumsong was possibly Newcastle’s worst ever signing. In fact, the French man was so bad that, wait for it, he actually made Bramble look decent! Often responsible for giving way several goals, Boumsong blamed his pitiable form for the Magpies on his girlfriend, not on his actual lack of footballing prowess.
Left back: Frank Sinclair
In reality, Sinclair wasn’t that bad defensively, and he did have an uncanny knack for scoring absolutely superb goals… there is just one problem, 99% of these goals were own goals. 12 years ago, Sinclair deceived his own keeper, actually managing to score an own goal from 40 yards. Impressive or what!
Midfield: Luke Chadwick
The man with bigger incisors than Bugs Bunny, Chadwick was actually tipped to be the new David Beckham. Completely out of his depth as a Manchester United player, Chadwick looked like a little boy riding with the Hells Angels (Roy Keane at the helm). Yes, he did score the occasional goal, but he was most definitely one of the worst midfielders I have witnessed in the EPL. As a United fan for 20 years, it pains me to have so many ex-Red players on the list…. Yes, more to come.
Midfield: Eric Djemba-Djemba
So good they named him twice, Djemba-Djemba was about as helpful as a kick to the groin. As farcical as the Taibi signing, the Cameroon international was bought as a direct replacement for Roy Keane, quite possibly United’s greatest ever midfielder. It wasn’t long before Eric showed us his class… or lack of it. Sadly, before the age of 27, Eric was penniless, going bankrupt from living a life that his skills could and would never afford.
Midfield- Christian Poulsen
For me, Poulsen was a useful addition to the Liverpool squad. As a United fan, of course I would say this. The Dane was incompetent beyond comprehension. From day one, he was one of those players that the KOP were determined to write off; probably because he was a Roy Hodgson signing (Roy was not exactly welcome at Liverpool). Poulsen was too leisurely, simply not good enough to play alongside Gerrard.
Center forward: Ali Dia
Was he really George Weah’s cousin? No, he wasn’t, nor had the charlatan been capped a dozen times for Senegal. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, he never played for Paris St Germain either. Another master signing by Graeme Souness, however, this was before he managed Newcastle. The Scotsman was plying his trade at Southampton. It took the former Liverpool legend a just a few minutes to figure out that he had signed one of the worst players ever to grace the EPL. Although Dia he only played a few minutes, his cameo was unforgettable. More suited to Sunday 5 aside down the local park, Dia was clearly an impostor who managed to pull the wool over the eyes of Souness. And it wasn’t long before Graeme decided to say; see ya, Dia!
Center Forward: Bebe
Up there with Taibi, Bebe is definitely one of Manchester United’s worst ever signings. Now, that is a very brave statement. Not long after signing the Portuguese maestro, Ferguson admitted that he had never seen the player in action. It wasn’t long before United fans realized that they no longer wanted to see Bebe in action. Everything about Bebe was hopeless, from his positioning to his movement. Many rumours circled about the Portuguese youngster, one of them alluded to the fact that Bebe was homeless before Fergie bought him. This was easily one of the most comical transfers of the EPL era.
Center Forward: Tomas Brolin
As a Premiership football club, Leeds United were a representation of fiscal iniquity, throwing money around like they were playing a game of Monopoly. With that fact underlined, back in 1995, it was no real surprise that they paid £4.5m for Tomas Brolin, a rather “soft” Swedish striker. A good footballer like Ryan Giggs or Kevin Philips treats their body like a temple; a shrine, a sanctuary of health. However, Brolin possessed a body that pointed towards a diet consisting of fried chicken and gravy.
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