Great to be back again for my column’s first installment of 2014. This year, I’ve resolved to do something I haven’t yet managed to do writing for LWOS – avoid Kardashian jokes altogether. Somehow I feel like that’s going to be challenging. That being said, here’s what making headlines from the past week in the world of professional sports:
NFL – SEND IN THE CLOWNS
The NFL regular season is finally over. Many teams who didn’t make the playoffs have already started to make improvements. The Lions fired Jim Schwartz, the Buccaneers hired Lovie Smith, and Jerry Jones finally decided which chin he’s getting for next season.
The 49ers are gearing up for another potential Ice Bowl in Green Bay this weekend. Temperatures could drop as low as -25 degrees. That’s almost as cold as a Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah.
The other wild card matchup I’m keeping an eye on is the Saints versus the Eagles. New Orleans is trying to get every advantage they can: they’ve made Rob Ryan promise to take his top off if someone throws beads at him.
The Chiefs-Colts wild card game might be blacked out due to lack of ticket sales. Apparently they’re copying the Jacksonville Jaguars model of TV broadcasting.
Michael Vick says he expects to start for a team in 2014. The only problem is that it’ll probably be one of the couple teams on Dancing with the Stars.
NHL – BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE
A record-setting 106,000 people showed up at Michigan Stadium in the middle of an Ann Arbour blizzard to watch the Red Wings take on the Maple Leafs. Instead of throwing shirts into the crowd between periods, everyone took turns throwing snowballs at Gary Bettman.
The commissioner, for his part, was emotional when speaking to the press after the game. Apparently, he was so inspired by the unprecedented turnout that he’s already signed a new lease agreement to move the Winnipeg Jets back to Atlanta.
Honestly, the actual game itself wasn’t that exciting. I had more fun trying to understand what Pierre Maguire was saying through frozen lips.
In other NHL news, USA Hockey accidentally contacted a 67-year-old man to tell him he’d made the Olympic team, thinking it was Ryan Kesler’s number. Wait – texting random seniors telling they’ll be playing with professional athletes … isn’t that what the Yankees do every offseason?
Now for the bad news for USA Hockey – the mudslinging in the press in regards to Bobby Ryan not making the team is getting nasty. Brian Burke said that the word ‘intense’ isn’t in Ryan’s vobaculary; clearly, the words ‘class’ and ‘tact’ clearly aren’t in Burke’s.
NBA – MID-TERM BLUES
Some photos leaked online this week previewing the nickname jerseys that the Nets and Heat will wear during their game on January 10. For accuracy’s sake, every Nets player will have “underachiever” on their name bar.
Here’s some astounding news: the Toronto Raptors have won eight of their last ten games. They’re now a bona-fide .500 ball club, and since they’re in the Eastern Conference, that means home court advantage in the playoffs.
The Denver Nuggets are 1-8 since coach Brian Shaw banned pizza and nachos from the locker room. It’s like that old saying: the bigger the calorie count, the harder the fall.
Warriors’ play-by-play man Bob Fitzgerald accidentally called Glen Davis “Big Dick Baby” during a recent broadcast. He’s got to be more careful – take the first two words in that phrase and you have James Dolan’s nickname in New York.
AND FINALLY …
A Florida TV station botched the NHL Panthers logo during a news segment this past week. They replaced the tried-and-true, publicly-adored image with an anonymous-looking black version – it’s like the graphics guy is a Kardashian sister or something.
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